I don't know where to start. Firstly let me say there will be no editing of this post as per normal. After all this is a place for my thoughts to really roam and anything and everything that crosses my mind seems to find its way into my fingers and out onto this electric screen. This is my place where nothing I say is wrong because it is for me and me alone. but then would I have gone into that entire explanation if I had not pictured someone else reading this? The person that seems to be in my thoughts almost every waking moment perhaps? I do not know if having him read this or telling him myself would be easier inviting him to this place is intimidating because I am candid here; knowing that nothing I write will ever truly see the light of day of be read by any that might know me. Granted of course that my last entry was almost a year ago. My journal still sees more use then this high tech space because focusing on the act of writing controls part of myself where as typing id much more free and quicker as well allowing for a more natural flow.
This post is a darkness in me something I have been fighting my whole life to control. And the reason I want him to read this or hear it from me is quite simply because I want him to understand as much of me as I can show him. It would be easier for him to reads this because crying while I type and where he can't hear me sob is easier and while I may be trying to not repress these emotions I would still rather not break in front of him yet. I would normally be mentioning how such displays are weakness and must be squashed and how strong I am. This is no longer the person I wish to be. When I am sad I want to be sad when I am happy I want to truly be happy unabashedly so and when I am morose I want to be happy! The following will be a sad story about a little girl who I am/am not, and will be very much the real me. The person whom no one knows not the nearest or dearest to my heart. That is the person I want him to see and judge because it is not fair to ask someone to love me without seeing the worst or best part of me (after all it is open to interpretation). I will not be apologizing for any of this because it is already done and there is nothing to apologize for not even the crying!
To begin with I'll describe the person who has made me who I am for better or for worse. My father was born Charles Arthur Pitt, he was the 3rd of 4 boys. There is a temper on my fathers side of the family that varies very much from person to person. My fathers anger was sharp but controlled I was never spanked for anything I did not deserve. In tandem with my grandmother he was the one who taught me control over crying his favorite saying on the subject as far as I can recall was always "if you don't stop crying I will give you something to cry about". It was because of this I earned to cry in private when no one was around. I shared a room with my sister while we were living with my grandmother and when I was sad because I missed my mother or upset because I was picked on that day or any other reason she was the only one who could possibly hear me cry myself to sleep. Tears in private do not hurt anyone and they cannot be used to hurt others, they are silent racking sobs that never find a voice. This does not paint a solid picture of my father I am afraid. He was a good man who truly loved his daughters and would do anything for them. He spent countless hours teaching me math or writing or any number of things. There was no one he would not help if they needed it and people genuinely respected him and he had a good many friends though he was careful to bring them home. I loved my father more then I have every loved anyone I was always trying to impress him even if there were times I was afraid of him. He saw me truly and honestly and he never treated my sister better then he treated me. There was never a time that I felt I couldn't rely on him being there.
When I was 10 I missed my mother enough to ask him if we could spend the summer up north with her because in the 2 years we had been in the pass I had seen my mother for a month or so and he could not say no. When that school year started I asked if we could stay for the year since we had spent two with him. My parents were gearing up for a large custody battle over us. My grandmother had told me this and she had told me that my father was saving money for a lawyer so he could be our custodial guardian she used that and his love for us to try to guilt me into living with him before we moved up north.
I don't remember the night very well when we got the call. I heard the phone ring and my mom pick it up but I promptly fell back asleep. It was close to three in the morning I think when she came into the room and told me that my father had been in an accident and that he had died. The next thing I remember is my mother, sister and I sitting in a circle on her bed passing my cat around as we cried. Everything after that until we got to the night before the funeral is a blur. I remember my mother playing the role of the grief stricken widow to a man to which a week before she would have yelled at over the phone. Her attention was entirely diverted from me at least, her baby was the one whom received most of her crying hugs while I watched wide eyed and startled. I was hurt and confused and when they wanted us to go in for the viewing I refused to go fearing that if I saw him lying there it would become real and not just a story they were telling me. No one seemed to really care except for my uncle Tim who I will always be eternally grateful. He argued with coerced and generally would not give up on me and he convinced me to go.
My sister and I both wrote letters to him that we gave to a friend of the family to place in his coffin. I remember looking in and seeing him. It didn't seem to really be him it didn't look like he was just sleeping it looked like someone had made a TV show prop and placed it where my father was suppose to be. The likeness seemed uncanny but it didn't feel real. The following morning was the funeral. I sat in the front row my body was there but I was floating in a sea of comforting fog. For a while I even convinced myself that I hadn't cried at all though every time I looked at his picture in front of the coffin tears slid down my face in an impossibly long cascade. I did not hear the words that were said or see the people around me. I did not sob my shoulders did not shake I sat still an 11year old porcelain doll with tears streaming down her face. Looking back as hard as this was for me I can't remember what my sister was doing, and that guilt might be with me until I die. That I was so lost in my own grief that I might have forgotten to comfort my own 9year old sister.
I tried to use words and poetry to let go of the hurt I was feeling but the right words never seemed to be there and it was useless so instead I started drawing I think in the week or two that we were down there I must have gone through about a 100 pages or drawings of my dad and horses and anything else. I was terrified that if I stopped drawing him I would forget his face, and then I would forget him and I would loose a part of me. The fog that had enveloped me the first and last time I saw his body permeated to my core until I could barely fee anything and even the strongest grief was muted and distant though it still hurt and was a hollow ache that would never fill.
I lived in the "zombie" mind for far too long it persisted for almost a year blinding me and saving me, broken apart by fierce bouts of anger that were unpredictable as fierce squalls. I could barely see people or things as my days came and went. My mother started seeing a psychiatrist and started taking me so that I would have one less day a week in school because I was barely there at all to begin with. I would sit outside the office and watch Disney movies while my mom talked to her doctor. I only talked with that lady a couple times for brief periods I could never tell you what I told her it might have been about my mother but I don't think I could handle talking about my father broaching the subject ed to complete and utter shut down. The same year my mother lost her job because the mine was shutting down. We were forced to move to a city I was born in but had never lived. I made a friend and then before I knew it I had a group of friends and we were tight and they were a place to be free from it all because they didn't know. I started to emerge from the barren wasteland that had held my mind in silence and deep darkness. I had always looked out for my sister, riding on the bus with her, playing with her and the like but I had never really had to take care of her before and with my mom working it became my job to be her second mother.
I took her to school made sure she did her homework helped her out as much as I could and basically spent almost all of my time with her. When my mom met Rod (who had two girls) I started taking time for myself I would walk them home throw on my backpack and just ride my bike for a few hours, come home make dinner do homework go to bed and do it all over again. The library was one of my favorite refuges. That is where I started to be the person I am today my father gave me the two greatest pleasures in my life. He was the one who was stubborn enough to make me read until I loved it and he sang almost more then I do and with his inspiration I learned to play the trumpet (which he had played in high school) and then when it was needed I learned the french horn which became a major part of my life for a good while.
Since his death I have always kept people at a distance. No one has really been close to me since his death, people are more comfortable with a bubbly happy go lucky Alison that jokes and has a deft had at turning away the more intimate questions. It is not my nature to lie to people but conveniently directing a conversation in another direction is a different skill all together or answering a question without truly answering it. I have not been to his grave since he was buried and no one has cared enough to do more then mention it. I did not express my grief for his loss I buried it deep so much so that I would never have to let someone see me cry for him again. I feel like I was alone in my grieving for him and when people used to tell me they were sorry for my loss the insincerity of it all would leave a foul taste in my mouth. I was not shown how to grieve properly and it did not feel as if there was anyone to comfort me. I became a tougher person for it.
When we moved again I lost the friends that I had grown attached to, I kept my head down and let the days pass me by. I met people who seemed interchangeable and when someone got too close I would push them away knowing that they would not be in my life forever and feeling that if I drove them away it would save me from being hurt later. When I met someone who I started seeing a future with he mentally started abusing me and ended up leaving me for someone who we had been fighting about for two months. I was concerned about her interest in him and he used my insecurities to say that I did not trust him and then he would send her love e-mails behind my back and spend "personal" time with her while I was at work. I will never know if he cheated on me nor would it bother me now. After we broke up he went to extensive lengths to continue to hurt me. My self esteem was lost and being with him had buried most of the identity I had found. Thoughts turned dark and if I had not felt that it was purely selfish suicide would have been a good option. One that I had considered quite thoroughly before rejecting.
I see myself in pieces not unlike shiny baubles in a mucky stream, when I write I feel an inane connection with my mind and the soft person at my core. When I hold a pencil I feel an exacting nature but work almost freely by feel. If I see something beautiful if its the mountains or the light hitting something in just the right way I am surrounded by an inner calm and my heart sings. When those moments recede I'm lost again. You cannot love someone you cannot find. Sometimes if I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I'm shocked at a fleeting beauty but when I look closely all I see are flaws and what could be changed. It is easier to give my love to someone else, they seemingly have less flaws. I don't know where to start, if I do the things I enjoy will it make me love myself or will it just make me feel better for a short while like a band-aid? There needs to be a way for me to start believing compliments instead of shrugging them off. Perhaps being the one to give them will make them seem more sincere?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
living in the now and feeling the past
there is a book out there called living in the now, I have never read this book but I have had the principals explained to me several times by more then one person. Essentially this book tells you not to dwell in the past or live for the future but focus on being content in the moment. generally speaking I am a fan of this concept but there is one fatal flaw that is readily apparent to me. Our past defines who we are and the decisions we make and though spending our entire lives obsessed with the past is not a good thing if we forget where we came from and the defining moments in our lives we loose touch with the person we are and the people and journey we had along the way to becoming the person we are today. At least that's the way I see it and if we don't take time to revel in our memories we will forget them in much the same way we loose concentration with anything we can't see. It is very hard not to think about the past especially the silly things that you did or the stupid comments that you make that make you seem like more of an ass then you know you are.
if I could I might even live in the past in a place where my dad is still alive and hot cocoa is really the only thing you need on a cold day to feel better and your case of the Mondays is limited to there not being any good cartoons on. If I could go back even less time then that to when I was still in high school even if I couldn't do anything differently I think I would take the opportunity. But if we start time travailing to the times that made us happy are we missing out on the ones that make us happy? I suppose that of you think about all your fond memories you might miss out on the ones you are currently making. After all it is hard to appreciate things when they are happening because they truly don't seem special until you use that infamous retrospection. Is this right now a time that in ten years I will think back on and believe was truly better then it actually is? Does the passage of time put a golden veneer on our past lives? If so then how are we to truly appreciate what is happening when we know that our present outlook will never be as good as we remember it? Perhaps that is one of the things that is suppose to motivate us to keep going that things could always get worse or better with the passage of time. Or perhaps it is the only thing that truly makes us happy because we always remember more about the good things then the bad. It might be the only thing keeping people from steering into traffic or jumping out the window. After all if life is truly going to remain this lackluster we might as well end it shouldn't we?
I don't necessarily believe that suicide is a truly viable option not if I have my boys to make me feel needed. Sometimes I wonder if they are the only thing besides my pride that keep me from doing the things I see in my mind when I see a semi approaching or the sharp gleam of a knife. Because without them there really isn't a reason for me to be here. My life barely touches upon those of the people around me and while people might be sad for the first while I don't believe people would truly remember me for who I am after all I don't exotically let people get that close but perhaps that is one of my many flaws. Hopefully it makes me endearing to someone out there because no matter how much I deny it I truly care what people out there think even if I try not to let them see it. but I should sleep
ciao
if I could I might even live in the past in a place where my dad is still alive and hot cocoa is really the only thing you need on a cold day to feel better and your case of the Mondays is limited to there not being any good cartoons on. If I could go back even less time then that to when I was still in high school even if I couldn't do anything differently I think I would take the opportunity. But if we start time travailing to the times that made us happy are we missing out on the ones that make us happy? I suppose that of you think about all your fond memories you might miss out on the ones you are currently making. After all it is hard to appreciate things when they are happening because they truly don't seem special until you use that infamous retrospection. Is this right now a time that in ten years I will think back on and believe was truly better then it actually is? Does the passage of time put a golden veneer on our past lives? If so then how are we to truly appreciate what is happening when we know that our present outlook will never be as good as we remember it? Perhaps that is one of the things that is suppose to motivate us to keep going that things could always get worse or better with the passage of time. Or perhaps it is the only thing that truly makes us happy because we always remember more about the good things then the bad. It might be the only thing keeping people from steering into traffic or jumping out the window. After all if life is truly going to remain this lackluster we might as well end it shouldn't we?
I don't necessarily believe that suicide is a truly viable option not if I have my boys to make me feel needed. Sometimes I wonder if they are the only thing besides my pride that keep me from doing the things I see in my mind when I see a semi approaching or the sharp gleam of a knife. Because without them there really isn't a reason for me to be here. My life barely touches upon those of the people around me and while people might be sad for the first while I don't believe people would truly remember me for who I am after all I don't exotically let people get that close but perhaps that is one of my many flaws. Hopefully it makes me endearing to someone out there because no matter how much I deny it I truly care what people out there think even if I try not to let them see it. but I should sleep
ciao
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
old and new
So it has been ages since I have even thought of blogging and being 2 years I am not sure how to sufficiently update my blog without talking about things I don't particularly want to. I have kept up my journal however this being an electronic age I suppose I should start at least making random attempts at haring my life and less personal details onto the world wide Internet. I have made ridiculous bad mistakes one of which includes dating not only someone from work but someone in a supervisor position. Being that we are both adult the termination of this relationship did not really effect my work life even though the lines did cross and it became popular speculation from what I understand. He was in some ways a nice guy but in others he is kind of a douche and yes I spelled that right the first time. After all it does seem that all men are either douches or assholes so where can a girl get a nice uncomplicated dick? seems to me the only ones worth pursuing in my current state of mind are the kinds made of synthetic rubbers. I do however wish that my body would agree with me after all every time I see something even remotely male something kicks into high gear and I try hard to fight it but the thoughts push into my head. I think sometimes it would be easier if I could love women the way I love men. I don't think there is nothing wrong with that kind of relationship and women are a lot more good looking then men though more often then not I find they just can't compare to the male female attraction and I might not really be the one to say for sure being that I have never truly been more then friends with girls but there is that moderate interest. Perhaps one day I shall try it I mean after all what do I have to loose? Truthfully I will be skipping that whole endeavor for at least a little while yet as my cards have told me to wait and I am more then inclined to listen to them for a little while at least.
I now have a chocolate lab and a sheltie I think I had already posted about Chester but my new boy is Mackeroy and he's a giant suck and mommas boy though I need to put some serious work into him to keep him from being a little too aggressive with the puling and growling. After a while he warms up to people just like Chester does. If I could go back in time and change any series of events in my own life what would I change? quite honestly there are my immediate reactions but if I really thought about it would I change anything I mean my life though not amazingly great is pretty good for the most part I have no real complaints. I have my own place which not fabulous is mine and only mine, I have two good boys who keep me busy and really make life worth living. I have a Job that is not wonderful but pays my bills and mortgage. There is not really much that is lacking in my life and I might slip into the rut quite easily and comfortably but as long as I still get to do some of the things I like to do I'm set. I mean really if you can do the things you enjoy doing its hard not to live a happy life.
Granted there are times that I do despair but they come and go with the seasons and the hormones. after all what kind of female would I be if I couldn't blame the hormones at least some of the time? Did you know I still type like an old woman? I use three of my fingers on my right hand when I type but only one on my left? what is up with that shit? its kind of weird isn't it? I don't know my left hand kind of freezes up and I just can't move it like my left it is kind of frustrating. I would be much more efficient if all my fingers worked in tandem. but I'm going to bed
ciao
I now have a chocolate lab and a sheltie I think I had already posted about Chester but my new boy is Mackeroy and he's a giant suck and mommas boy though I need to put some serious work into him to keep him from being a little too aggressive with the puling and growling. After a while he warms up to people just like Chester does. If I could go back in time and change any series of events in my own life what would I change? quite honestly there are my immediate reactions but if I really thought about it would I change anything I mean my life though not amazingly great is pretty good for the most part I have no real complaints. I have my own place which not fabulous is mine and only mine, I have two good boys who keep me busy and really make life worth living. I have a Job that is not wonderful but pays my bills and mortgage. There is not really much that is lacking in my life and I might slip into the rut quite easily and comfortably but as long as I still get to do some of the things I like to do I'm set. I mean really if you can do the things you enjoy doing its hard not to live a happy life.
Granted there are times that I do despair but they come and go with the seasons and the hormones. after all what kind of female would I be if I couldn't blame the hormones at least some of the time? Did you know I still type like an old woman? I use three of my fingers on my right hand when I type but only one on my left? what is up with that shit? its kind of weird isn't it? I don't know my left hand kind of freezes up and I just can't move it like my left it is kind of frustrating. I would be much more efficient if all my fingers worked in tandem. but I'm going to bed
ciao
Sunday, October 14, 2007
why me?
So whats new with me? the random thought doesn't inspire much discussion unfortunately insofar as I can figure my life never really seems to change much but at the same time I find that I forget to mention things in my journal and blog because at the time I think they're pretty normal or not really worth writing about. But what movement in my life has warranted writing in my blog? because if I'm going to be frank with myself I only really write when I'm sufficiently bored or when I'm emotional. So what is it today? I know the answer as with being the grace of composing such an entry it would be odd if I wasn't completely god like in my knowledge. I'm sad of all things, I've been struggling with a couple common thoughts that seems to spring every once in a while, what I've done to those around me, self pity, and of course the empty feeling of being single without the initiative to change it. And though I might at time sound like a completely emo 13 year old I can assure you this and my actual written journal are the only places I limit myself exploring those feelings.
So where do I start in explaining myself? I guess I could start with the thing that's bothering me the most. There is a guy I work with who decided to have an infatuation with me (I know you find that hard to believe) the first time he asked me for my number I kinda got the deer in the headlights look until I recovered my Witt's, which thankfully wasn't that long. After all being a young female of this generation if I don't have wit as my first line of defense then I've got nothing. So to start I gave him my e-mail because he insisted on wanting to get to know me better and I would be damned if he meant sleeping with me because he's not like that and anyone who knows me can figure that I don't do that without sufficient reason. But anyways I figured e-mail was easy relatively harmless and it would postpone me having to turn him down and after all it wasn't as personal as a number.
Here I was with a couple e-mail following shortly after I tried being myself friendly and slightly distant and I think this was really my downfall, Why I gave him my e-mail in the first place is beyond me after all I have rules against this sort of thing. But I don't think I felt I could really say know. And then he invited me for coffee/brunch... brunch which I thought was safe because it is still informal enough not to be called a date and at a time of day where you can go your own separate ways without too much hassle and awkwardness... that is until I found out how nice the place he took me to was. I don't really want to relive the time we spent together, I was fighting to uphold conversation and the pretence that I was not on a date. And as successful as I thought I was I guess I didn't carry it off very well considering that I paid for myself even though he didn't want me too. And at the goodbye I shouldn't have let him walk me to the car I shouldn't have but he didn't touch me (as per my keeping away from him) and at the insistence of another outing I was vague and I had rather hoped clear on my reluctance.
You think that after I tell someone that I'm 10 years younger then them their interests would wane slightly especially if I keep myself at new friend distance. I managed to keep e-mails sparse and short, but somehow I got backed into a place where It was difficult to say no and before you know it we were out again. To a play thing anyways it was a comedy he didn't laugh once it was tense and I was in a bad mood and damned if I was going to carry the conversation by myself. so things were so bad I almost left but my pride and training bade me to wait it out and then give him an even brisker farewell then before. Did I feel bad? not until I got the e-mail where he was apologising, and what did I do in my ignorance reassured him it wasn't that bad and then said something about being friends.
Very frustrating indeed. So about 6 or 7 or 8 months go by and I don't talk to him, I wave when I see him at work as per the we'll be friends thought. And then one day out of the blue he says something about us going out. Well lets face it by now I have a boyfriend who I happen to like a lot and I tell him so. I don't think he really believed me when I told him, Maybe he thought it was just a line to tell him no. But however it happens my answer is another clear we're just friends. So another month goes by things with the new boyfriend are falling apart a little but I'm still holding onto the relationship and my birthday comes up. And I do quite possibly the most naive thing in the world. He bought me flowers and books for my birthday, and brought them to me before work one day. I was angry and running late (go figure) but what do you do? I looked at him and sighed towards the building it wouldn't be the first time I've ever been late. So I told him he shouldn't have given me anything and tried to make the stern face/eye contact. He seemed embarrassed and I felt guilty so when he asked if I would take them I said OK because out of the two evils I felt this the lesser one.
And so it came to pass he started writing me e-mails and sending me love songs and I got furious, though I didn't try to show it to him instead of using rough words I tried uncomfortable and other such round ended sentences finishing of course with the I said I just want to be friends. Now of course he goes quiet and doesn't talk to me... so I waited out some of the sulking and then when it seemed to be abating slightly I started trying to say hi to him at work again in a friendly way, after all I treat him like everyone else at work. and then I get this e-mail saying how much I hurt him and now he's doing mellow dramatic things and says he doesn't want to talk to me and such when all I've ever tried to do was spare his feelings. I've tried being understanding about this but now I feel horrid and I don't know what to think or say. Should I have lowered myself into being his girlfriend when I knew better or should I have laughed at him when he asked me for my number? the amount of times I let him down gently as I could you think he might have gotten the signal... or maybe the first time friend entered the conversation so where really did I fuck it all up?at least I never touched him let alone kissed him because who knows where I would be. Not that I ever felt the slightest impulse to do so. Perhaps there's the fault.
So where do I start in explaining myself? I guess I could start with the thing that's bothering me the most. There is a guy I work with who decided to have an infatuation with me (I know you find that hard to believe) the first time he asked me for my number I kinda got the deer in the headlights look until I recovered my Witt's, which thankfully wasn't that long. After all being a young female of this generation if I don't have wit as my first line of defense then I've got nothing. So to start I gave him my e-mail because he insisted on wanting to get to know me better and I would be damned if he meant sleeping with me because he's not like that and anyone who knows me can figure that I don't do that without sufficient reason. But anyways I figured e-mail was easy relatively harmless and it would postpone me having to turn him down and after all it wasn't as personal as a number.
Here I was with a couple e-mail following shortly after I tried being myself friendly and slightly distant and I think this was really my downfall, Why I gave him my e-mail in the first place is beyond me after all I have rules against this sort of thing. But I don't think I felt I could really say know. And then he invited me for coffee/brunch... brunch which I thought was safe because it is still informal enough not to be called a date and at a time of day where you can go your own separate ways without too much hassle and awkwardness... that is until I found out how nice the place he took me to was. I don't really want to relive the time we spent together, I was fighting to uphold conversation and the pretence that I was not on a date. And as successful as I thought I was I guess I didn't carry it off very well considering that I paid for myself even though he didn't want me too. And at the goodbye I shouldn't have let him walk me to the car I shouldn't have but he didn't touch me (as per my keeping away from him) and at the insistence of another outing I was vague and I had rather hoped clear on my reluctance.
You think that after I tell someone that I'm 10 years younger then them their interests would wane slightly especially if I keep myself at new friend distance. I managed to keep e-mails sparse and short, but somehow I got backed into a place where It was difficult to say no and before you know it we were out again. To a play thing anyways it was a comedy he didn't laugh once it was tense and I was in a bad mood and damned if I was going to carry the conversation by myself. so things were so bad I almost left but my pride and training bade me to wait it out and then give him an even brisker farewell then before. Did I feel bad? not until I got the e-mail where he was apologising, and what did I do in my ignorance reassured him it wasn't that bad and then said something about being friends.
Very frustrating indeed. So about 6 or 7 or 8 months go by and I don't talk to him, I wave when I see him at work as per the we'll be friends thought. And then one day out of the blue he says something about us going out. Well lets face it by now I have a boyfriend who I happen to like a lot and I tell him so. I don't think he really believed me when I told him, Maybe he thought it was just a line to tell him no. But however it happens my answer is another clear we're just friends. So another month goes by things with the new boyfriend are falling apart a little but I'm still holding onto the relationship and my birthday comes up. And I do quite possibly the most naive thing in the world. He bought me flowers and books for my birthday, and brought them to me before work one day. I was angry and running late (go figure) but what do you do? I looked at him and sighed towards the building it wouldn't be the first time I've ever been late. So I told him he shouldn't have given me anything and tried to make the stern face/eye contact. He seemed embarrassed and I felt guilty so when he asked if I would take them I said OK because out of the two evils I felt this the lesser one.
And so it came to pass he started writing me e-mails and sending me love songs and I got furious, though I didn't try to show it to him instead of using rough words I tried uncomfortable and other such round ended sentences finishing of course with the I said I just want to be friends. Now of course he goes quiet and doesn't talk to me... so I waited out some of the sulking and then when it seemed to be abating slightly I started trying to say hi to him at work again in a friendly way, after all I treat him like everyone else at work. and then I get this e-mail saying how much I hurt him and now he's doing mellow dramatic things and says he doesn't want to talk to me and such when all I've ever tried to do was spare his feelings. I've tried being understanding about this but now I feel horrid and I don't know what to think or say. Should I have lowered myself into being his girlfriend when I knew better or should I have laughed at him when he asked me for my number? the amount of times I let him down gently as I could you think he might have gotten the signal... or maybe the first time friend entered the conversation so where really did I fuck it all up?at least I never touched him let alone kissed him because who knows where I would be. Not that I ever felt the slightest impulse to do so. Perhaps there's the fault.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
1408
OK, so yes needless to say this post may contain spoilers for those of you who haven';t seen the movie yet but It's bugging me and I have to get it off my chest :P
I went to this movie with Debbie, a friend from work and I couldn't help pointing all this stuff out. Bad me! lol well lets start from somewhere near the beginning. So we're introduced to the main character, a cynical author who writes about ghosts and haunted mansions, a great idea love it. But yeah so we're in a diner after he checks out of his latest and greatest stay and what song should naturally come over the radio but "I just need someplace to lay my head..." and so on a such forth, and the giggling begins! shortly after that the audience is shown a post card and the main character being the genius that he is points out that 1+4+8=13... but what they didn't tell you was that the address of the hotel itself adds to the same number, which is significant for any of you who have read the gunslinger series. Also There is something written I can't remember where but it said "the wolves killed me on the turnpike" paraphrasing because it was only on the screen for a couple of seconds towards the beginning of the movie, another throwback to the dark tower series, the giggling continues. Mind you I've only seen the movie once and this is the tip of the iceberg as far as I'm concerned of some of the things I noticed. My head is spinning trying to look for more at the moment. I was almost expecting him to stop and look at a rose before entering the building. After all he is in new york, y not. I have a sneaking suspicion that the address of the hotel probably syncs up with something in the series as well, but I'm not entirely sure. Does anyone remember the hotel room Susannah stayed in before she gave birth? goodness, the joy of it all! I'm going to have to reread the series, and actually read 1408 before I buy the movie. After all I should brush up on some more stephen king I suppose. I loved the movie it was creepy as hell without being all hack and slash. I mean seriously a horror movie that about more then killing the main character? impossible, it is a wonderful throwback to the days when movies had much more of an evil undercurrent and filled you with adrenalin as apposed to people just wanting to scream about the stupid blonde running up the stairs (where there's no escape) in high heels. from the foreshadowing ("burm me alive" being carved into the brick) to the less subtle things like the first dead mans name... hint hint though actually not a book I've read. it really just has so much little stuff for you to catch I doubt I'll ever get bored watching it. Even if I expect the hatchet swinging lunatic to keep popping back up.
I went to this movie with Debbie, a friend from work and I couldn't help pointing all this stuff out. Bad me! lol well lets start from somewhere near the beginning. So we're introduced to the main character, a cynical author who writes about ghosts and haunted mansions, a great idea love it. But yeah so we're in a diner after he checks out of his latest and greatest stay and what song should naturally come over the radio but "I just need someplace to lay my head..." and so on a such forth, and the giggling begins! shortly after that the audience is shown a post card and the main character being the genius that he is points out that 1+4+8=13... but what they didn't tell you was that the address of the hotel itself adds to the same number, which is significant for any of you who have read the gunslinger series. Also There is something written I can't remember where but it said "the wolves killed me on the turnpike" paraphrasing because it was only on the screen for a couple of seconds towards the beginning of the movie, another throwback to the dark tower series, the giggling continues. Mind you I've only seen the movie once and this is the tip of the iceberg as far as I'm concerned of some of the things I noticed. My head is spinning trying to look for more at the moment. I was almost expecting him to stop and look at a rose before entering the building. After all he is in new york, y not. I have a sneaking suspicion that the address of the hotel probably syncs up with something in the series as well, but I'm not entirely sure. Does anyone remember the hotel room Susannah stayed in before she gave birth? goodness, the joy of it all! I'm going to have to reread the series, and actually read 1408 before I buy the movie. After all I should brush up on some more stephen king I suppose. I loved the movie it was creepy as hell without being all hack and slash. I mean seriously a horror movie that about more then killing the main character? impossible, it is a wonderful throwback to the days when movies had much more of an evil undercurrent and filled you with adrenalin as apposed to people just wanting to scream about the stupid blonde running up the stairs (where there's no escape) in high heels. from the foreshadowing ("burm me alive" being carved into the brick) to the less subtle things like the first dead mans name... hint hint though actually not a book I've read. it really just has so much little stuff for you to catch I doubt I'll ever get bored watching it. Even if I expect the hatchet swinging lunatic to keep popping back up.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
A long time
So it's been a long time since I've posted huh? well here's whats up. My mom's still having a little problem with bleeding but its definetly not as bad as it was, I moved out and am now happily living outside of calgary. Even if I am now trailer trash. But you know what I don't mind at all. Its bigger then an apartment, cheaper and I have a huge ass lawn! thats right its awsome. I can't wait till its warm enough to put in a garden. I'm thinking of asking grandma up to help me with that. There's going to be bleeeding hearts, columbine and heck everything I ever wanted lol. I have a job that pays relatiely well, I'm not getting ahead too fast but I'm keeeping up with bills and the like so its not too shabby. Granted its in a warehouse, but even that I don't mind. The guys I work with are great and I have as much fun as I can. Even though I have to admit I miss chapters every now and again.
I got a puppy, did I tell you? well, chester is a now almost 9 month pup. He's a little sheltie with all the spunk you could want. He wakes me up in the morning keeps me company and in general makes me want to laugh all the time. Even if he is still destroying everything I own. For the past 5 or so months I've been browsing websites, and I went to the pet expo. But I am having a hard time finding the right other dog to fill out my place. Not that there aren't many dogs out there, its just finding the right one. I don't think I want a puppy, someone housetrained would be nice. I don't mind older dogs, but I don't want someone who I will only have for a year or two. There's this gorgeous collie at the cochrane humane but I haven't been in to see her yet. She's 8 so that would be another 7 years or so, which would be fine. I still have to meet her first though. Calgary humane doesn't seem to have any I would like but I have to go there before I can officially say that right? There's a greyhound rescue in calgary and I would be totally ok with getting a dog from there, but I want someone to go offleashing with us a go hiking and swimming and all that other fun stuf I wanna do this summer. Not that I'm deluding myself. I know that come weekend I don't always want to do stuff, and in truth I want someone who is just ok lounging about the house or playing with chester. Size doesn't really factor into it all all big or small I like them all. lol
I got a puppy, did I tell you? well, chester is a now almost 9 month pup. He's a little sheltie with all the spunk you could want. He wakes me up in the morning keeps me company and in general makes me want to laugh all the time. Even if he is still destroying everything I own. For the past 5 or so months I've been browsing websites, and I went to the pet expo. But I am having a hard time finding the right other dog to fill out my place. Not that there aren't many dogs out there, its just finding the right one. I don't think I want a puppy, someone housetrained would be nice. I don't mind older dogs, but I don't want someone who I will only have for a year or two. There's this gorgeous collie at the cochrane humane but I haven't been in to see her yet. She's 8 so that would be another 7 years or so, which would be fine. I still have to meet her first though. Calgary humane doesn't seem to have any I would like but I have to go there before I can officially say that right? There's a greyhound rescue in calgary and I would be totally ok with getting a dog from there, but I want someone to go offleashing with us a go hiking and swimming and all that other fun stuf I wanna do this summer. Not that I'm deluding myself. I know that come weekend I don't always want to do stuff, and in truth I want someone who is just ok lounging about the house or playing with chester. Size doesn't really factor into it all all big or small I like them all. lol
Saturday, June 24, 2006
worries and health
My mother has gone into the emergency ward today, for the last couple of months she hasn't had her period, and then a couple days ago the gusher released and thats what it has been ever since, today she went into a clinic to see a doctor and the sent her to the emergency ward in a different hospital, she has been waiting for almost 7 hours or so in the emerg ward, waiting for a bed and I haven't heard anything for nearly an hour as to how she's doing or if they have infact found her a bed yet. Its all very stressful, and the best you can do is hold your breath and hope for the best. There wont be news until tomarrow I'm afraid.
I've been house hunting and with very little sucess but at the moment its only a buzz in the background for my anxiety, I hae found a job, nothing interesting. I will probably tell you more about it on my first day. My sister graduates in a few days and I hope my mom is set up and out of the hospital by then. life is fucking shit!
I've been house hunting and with very little sucess but at the moment its only a buzz in the background for my anxiety, I hae found a job, nothing interesting. I will probably tell you more about it on my first day. My sister graduates in a few days and I hope my mom is set up and out of the hospital by then. life is fucking shit!
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