It has been quite a while since I have found the energy or the inspiration to post. Actually I've been meaning to for a while after all this is a safe place to put all the things I don't want to deal with, send them into the void as it were. No one gets hurt and I don't bottle anything in. Its weird all considered, this is the only place where I don't look at the keyboard when I type. I guess its more to keep my train of thought going unabated. Things at the moment are going well, work is good and the holidays weren't as bad as I thought they would be but man alive is it hard to be on your lonesome during new years, well without a fellow I mean. I don't know it probably the blood talking but I have been pining away for a while for a new flame. I guess there was something about being in a relationship I miss after all.
My friends boyfriend (who she met over the net) Is coming back down in a couple of days here. Fraid I wont get more then the two words I got out of him last time. She got a forever ring from him for Christmas and it turns out that Scott gave janelle a promise ring. Not suprissing really I just thought he wouldn't have the nerve but it does make a certain amount of sense, more ways of controlling her. And I'm really not as bitter as I sound on here. I didn't really need to know that but hey its better I did. So I've decided something. I'm going to die a spinster, LOL I know chances are that I'll meet someone fabulous but I don't know prince charming hasn't really made an appearance. I don't think I like those guys at work as much as I use to, one I completely triggered as a project and I don't know about the other. There's a guy I met on the net though he seems nice enough. But he lives in California, which isn't that far but its not close anyways, not that I meet people outside of cyberspace, but I think I'm getting lonely enough for that to be an option which is slightly sad, there's just no where for me to meet a good guy. Like all my online friends though we'll prolly drift or something which would be sad he seems nice if nothing else.
I don't know, life is very stengnat for me at the moment, I should move, get a job that pays more and meet some friends but everytime I think seriously enough about it I don't feel I deserve it though I can't tel why. I am a nice enough person but I blame myself for using others even if I don't. But I should go I suppose.
alison.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Sunday, November 13, 2005
HOW-D
Salutations,
my job is going well and I've been meaning to write its just things have been busy. My job is more or less tiresome at the moment my first day off in like 3 weeks is on thurs... WOOT. I don't mind tho its just I find I'm getting tired really easy. I found out something today, a guy I thought was my age at work is actually two years younger, which means he's as old as my sister. Which isn't a big deal, I don't like him as anything more then a friend, even though he's a good enough person. Too tall for my tastes. I know I'm going to sound horrible when I say that I think about the guys at work, there's one for example, who isn't cute by anymeans but I kinda like him in the non serious way. And then there's always the one guy I mentioned last time, I do think he's younger then me also but I always remind myself there are worse things in the world, like judgment someone based on their age.
enough about age for a moment lets talk about people who drive, I admit I am one of those people, who does own a vehicle, but if you can't drive. Why are you on the road? Like people who see their lane turns... Don't merge into mine expecting I will wait for you in the middle of the intersection. Make the bloody turn and I don't know go in the other way or heaven forbid turn around in a parking lot. And people who don't yield lets talk about them for a minute, there is this difficult maneuver on my way to work, I merge with another lane who has a yield sign. Ok... Didn't come out the way I wanted but they have to wait for me... Do you think they do? Oh and people who go 10 under the speed limit in the fast lane, what's that all about. I get it if you don't wanna go fast but really be courteous to those who do. I don't know why when your driving everything someone else does you feel is a personal slight and heaven forbid I will admit I do get angry when I'm running late for work and I can't get to where I want to in an efficient way.
That and people who come into a book store and get upset you don't carry "their" magazine, you know the one no one else buys. And of course they blame you when neither of you can find it and they just have to talk to the person in charge. That or people who just don't get that I'm trying to do my job and tell me to "leave me alone" which I respect and understand but if your standing in the middle of the isle reading and taking up as much space as possible I feel that I have the right to ask your lazy ass if you wan to sit in a chair thereinby you are not hindering the people around you and henceforth the sales people might leave you alone. But no I guess courtesy and understanding died along time ago. I will admit that I don't always like to be asked if I want help but hey if I don't wanna deal with the people I buy the damn book and get out of the freakin store. I don't mind when people come in an read the books without buying them there are two such guys and a gal who do so they're some of the nicest people I've seen there and no one bugs them because they sit out of the way and look intent on the object infront of them and talk to you when you address them.
and then there are thoe opera people, heaven forbid some book should be talked about on her show, and people believe that they should get it before everyone else. For example a million little pieces by James Frey, I'm sure its a good book, we've been sold out since I started working there which is almost a month ago. People come into the store claiming that we have x copies and that they want one. Granted our computers shouldn't lie to them like that, its mean but don't yell at me if we sold all of them before the computer could be updated, and no you can't put your name on a list before everyone else's, we're sure you think your great but to us your just another person like the last one who asked.
Now I have to be small minded for a minute forgive me, I live in Canada we speak English and French.... Not Chinese not Hindu and certainly not Chinese... I know I said Chinese twice. It is not my job or role in life to learn your language because you chose to move to my country. I understand English is a hard language, but if you decide to move somewhere you think you could learn something more then daughter? And lastly for my job rant, I did not go out of my way to make your experience a bad one, you came into my store and couldn't give me anything more then it was the one listed on that show.
hmmm quite a rant I think, and well needed I should have wrote it out, I usually feel better when my hand hurts.
my job is going well and I've been meaning to write its just things have been busy. My job is more or less tiresome at the moment my first day off in like 3 weeks is on thurs... WOOT. I don't mind tho its just I find I'm getting tired really easy. I found out something today, a guy I thought was my age at work is actually two years younger, which means he's as old as my sister. Which isn't a big deal, I don't like him as anything more then a friend, even though he's a good enough person. Too tall for my tastes. I know I'm going to sound horrible when I say that I think about the guys at work, there's one for example, who isn't cute by anymeans but I kinda like him in the non serious way. And then there's always the one guy I mentioned last time, I do think he's younger then me also but I always remind myself there are worse things in the world, like judgment someone based on their age.
enough about age for a moment lets talk about people who drive, I admit I am one of those people, who does own a vehicle, but if you can't drive. Why are you on the road? Like people who see their lane turns... Don't merge into mine expecting I will wait for you in the middle of the intersection. Make the bloody turn and I don't know go in the other way or heaven forbid turn around in a parking lot. And people who don't yield lets talk about them for a minute, there is this difficult maneuver on my way to work, I merge with another lane who has a yield sign. Ok... Didn't come out the way I wanted but they have to wait for me... Do you think they do? Oh and people who go 10 under the speed limit in the fast lane, what's that all about. I get it if you don't wanna go fast but really be courteous to those who do. I don't know why when your driving everything someone else does you feel is a personal slight and heaven forbid I will admit I do get angry when I'm running late for work and I can't get to where I want to in an efficient way.
That and people who come into a book store and get upset you don't carry "their" magazine, you know the one no one else buys. And of course they blame you when neither of you can find it and they just have to talk to the person in charge. That or people who just don't get that I'm trying to do my job and tell me to "leave me alone" which I respect and understand but if your standing in the middle of the isle reading and taking up as much space as possible I feel that I have the right to ask your lazy ass if you wan to sit in a chair thereinby you are not hindering the people around you and henceforth the sales people might leave you alone. But no I guess courtesy and understanding died along time ago. I will admit that I don't always like to be asked if I want help but hey if I don't wanna deal with the people I buy the damn book and get out of the freakin store. I don't mind when people come in an read the books without buying them there are two such guys and a gal who do so they're some of the nicest people I've seen there and no one bugs them because they sit out of the way and look intent on the object infront of them and talk to you when you address them.
and then there are thoe opera people, heaven forbid some book should be talked about on her show, and people believe that they should get it before everyone else. For example a million little pieces by James Frey, I'm sure its a good book, we've been sold out since I started working there which is almost a month ago. People come into the store claiming that we have x copies and that they want one. Granted our computers shouldn't lie to them like that, its mean but don't yell at me if we sold all of them before the computer could be updated, and no you can't put your name on a list before everyone else's, we're sure you think your great but to us your just another person like the last one who asked.
Now I have to be small minded for a minute forgive me, I live in Canada we speak English and French.... Not Chinese not Hindu and certainly not Chinese... I know I said Chinese twice. It is not my job or role in life to learn your language because you chose to move to my country. I understand English is a hard language, but if you decide to move somewhere you think you could learn something more then daughter? And lastly for my job rant, I did not go out of my way to make your experience a bad one, you came into my store and couldn't give me anything more then it was the one listed on that show.
hmmm quite a rant I think, and well needed I should have wrote it out, I usually feel better when my hand hurts.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Again
whats the deal with people? I only ask because to me a friend is someone who would never tell you something that would hurt you unless you needed to know. Ok which brings me to the main topic of today's rant, I have this friend, she's nice and I know all the reasons I like her, but it was her best friend who stol my guy... talk about messy. Anyways anything she hears about the relatioship she pretty much tells me, and I don't hurt like I use to about it. I would rather he died then think about it, or talk to him again but for the most part I don't care any more. Apparently however the two of them are like fucking rabbits, the hump more then I don't know a horny dog. Which I find distressing, I could hardly get him interested in intercourse, everything else he was fine and good, but how is she having more luck then I was?
Its not that she's more attractive, actually she's rather large, physically speaking, and she's not pretty by any means, though she's not absolutely dredful to look at. I don't know its just a combination of them banging uglies at every chance, and her actually telling me this stuff when she knows how I feel about the two of them. *sigh*
With that out of the way I think I've found someone I can crush on, he's not overly cute. I don't thinkI've ever liked someone because they're handsome, well maybe my ex. But I've learned my lesson about that. No this guy is nice and has a great smile. But I don't know how old he is. I don't want to sound shallow but I wont date a guy in high school, that would make him my sisters age and thats just not right. I hope so much he's in college or university, but I have this feeling that he isn't. I don't have a problem talking to guys its just I haven't had the oppertunity to ask him those kind of questions, like his favorite colour and stuff, but I'm one of those people who think that because I find someone attractive they will think I am as well automatically. I should know better with all the years of disapointment, of thinking I should have asked or made a move. But really I don't want to make a fool of myself and the price is too high for something as risky as all that,
I don't know I must be boring you, and I should go. I have to work tomarrow
night
Its not that she's more attractive, actually she's rather large, physically speaking, and she's not pretty by any means, though she's not absolutely dredful to look at. I don't know its just a combination of them banging uglies at every chance, and her actually telling me this stuff when she knows how I feel about the two of them. *sigh*
With that out of the way I think I've found someone I can crush on, he's not overly cute. I don't thinkI've ever liked someone because they're handsome, well maybe my ex. But I've learned my lesson about that. No this guy is nice and has a great smile. But I don't know how old he is. I don't want to sound shallow but I wont date a guy in high school, that would make him my sisters age and thats just not right. I hope so much he's in college or university, but I have this feeling that he isn't. I don't have a problem talking to guys its just I haven't had the oppertunity to ask him those kind of questions, like his favorite colour and stuff, but I'm one of those people who think that because I find someone attractive they will think I am as well automatically. I should know better with all the years of disapointment, of thinking I should have asked or made a move. But really I don't want to make a fool of myself and the price is too high for something as risky as all that,
I don't know I must be boring you, and I should go. I have to work tomarrow
night
Friday, October 21, 2005
Work
What can I say, I've joined the working world once again, the early mornings, the smile the friendliness. It all kinda makes you want to gag, but generally I like to work, being with people everyday and possibly accomplishing something is rather fufilling, I think. Theres never really been a job that I've absolutely hated, even when I had the super 8 job, which by the way I disliked cause of the people not the rest of it. For the most part I like doing a job no matter what it is, and I like to have fun doing it. If there are people I like to get to know them and just generally relax. Not to say that I slack or anything.
But when you work don't you find that by the time you get home your exhausted no matter what you do? no matter how long you work? like the act of just going to a place where you get paid is more then enough to tucker you out. I will admit that at work I'm rather like a sugar junkie, I play on as much of my emotions and fuel supplies as possible till it seems I'm jittery, and I make bad jokes, but hey what ever gets you through right? I don't even know why I'm writting to tell you the truth. I should in all right be in bed, however te prospect of keeping my blog up to date was more then appealing. With that said I think I do have to hit the hay and get some rest before I head off once more to the confines of employment.
But when you work don't you find that by the time you get home your exhausted no matter what you do? no matter how long you work? like the act of just going to a place where you get paid is more then enough to tucker you out. I will admit that at work I'm rather like a sugar junkie, I play on as much of my emotions and fuel supplies as possible till it seems I'm jittery, and I make bad jokes, but hey what ever gets you through right? I don't even know why I'm writting to tell you the truth. I should in all right be in bed, however te prospect of keeping my blog up to date was more then appealing. With that said I think I do have to hit the hay and get some rest before I head off once more to the confines of employment.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
You always learn something new
As with before I have no idea what I'm gonig to write tonight, only tht I'm going to write something. Today I got together with a friend and we went fish shopping, neither of ous bought anything but it was an excuse to get out of the house and spend some quality time with a person I don't see every day. We had some of the strangest conversations, and I hate to say it but I was relieved to find out she wasn't a virgin, I haven't been for a little while now, and the scandal still seems pretty high abuot it, and finding out that I'm not the only one was more then reliving. I don't know, the guys I've met and he's really nice and I think its good for her, at least I think he is anyways.
We talked a little about my ex since its her best friend he's dating now, and apparenlty the news is he's going to give her a promise ring for christmas, I don't see this happening, but who knows I might just be off my rocker, in any case it shouldn't matter to me one way or the other. Sure I want him to feel pain like no living being can withstand, but then again he pissed me off. And continues to do so.
Amoung the oh so fun conversations we had was one about some of the stuff we've seen, I started with the whole birth control card, you know something light that could easily be forgotten, she antied with a show it all teddie and pantie set, I broke out the baby sitter thong, and she countered with finding her mothers. I didn't want to drag out the porn my babysitters brother use to show me (which actually belonged to his brother) or the hentai in their house, I think its a little much don't you? But yeah we talked a little and it was good having someone to talk to but I just couldn't really bring myself to open up about sex to her, I don't know maybe talking about it is a little too taboo for me even still.
But eah I got a call back from the place I applied, I had an interview almost a week ago and I go for an orientation on tues, I can't say I'm not excited, it will be good to be making money again, and hopefully in time I can a) start making decent money there or b) find a job that pays better in time. After all, even if I don't go back to school for a while I can not continue to rely on my parents, and some part of me misses living on my own. At this point I'm not sure I will go back to school, it seems less apealing to me then it did before, after all if an average canadian changes jobs how many times in a life time, is it not just easier to avoid spending half or a decade getting the education you need for one job and then having to go back to train for a new advocation? I don't know it all seems pretty silly to me, but for tonight I'm going to bed.
Good night
We talked a little about my ex since its her best friend he's dating now, and apparenlty the news is he's going to give her a promise ring for christmas, I don't see this happening, but who knows I might just be off my rocker, in any case it shouldn't matter to me one way or the other. Sure I want him to feel pain like no living being can withstand, but then again he pissed me off. And continues to do so.
Amoung the oh so fun conversations we had was one about some of the stuff we've seen, I started with the whole birth control card, you know something light that could easily be forgotten, she antied with a show it all teddie and pantie set, I broke out the baby sitter thong, and she countered with finding her mothers. I didn't want to drag out the porn my babysitters brother use to show me (which actually belonged to his brother) or the hentai in their house, I think its a little much don't you? But yeah we talked a little and it was good having someone to talk to but I just couldn't really bring myself to open up about sex to her, I don't know maybe talking about it is a little too taboo for me even still.
But eah I got a call back from the place I applied, I had an interview almost a week ago and I go for an orientation on tues, I can't say I'm not excited, it will be good to be making money again, and hopefully in time I can a) start making decent money there or b) find a job that pays better in time. After all, even if I don't go back to school for a while I can not continue to rely on my parents, and some part of me misses living on my own. At this point I'm not sure I will go back to school, it seems less apealing to me then it did before, after all if an average canadian changes jobs how many times in a life time, is it not just easier to avoid spending half or a decade getting the education you need for one job and then having to go back to train for a new advocation? I don't know it all seems pretty silly to me, but for tonight I'm going to bed.
Good night
Friday, October 14, 2005
More rants from a female mind
Ok, what's with guys really? God help me I love them but why are all men such jerks, thinking myself a scientist I would hate to generalize however I have not found any proof that there is any other state a male comes in. Ok I have written in detail about my breakup with my ex, and about our attempts at friendship and how they failed. A couple weeks ago he contacted me and said he was going to the hospital for day surgery, and alas well and good I tell him I'll visit him. After all I have an obligation because he visited me. But I warn him that if she's there I wont stay, he doesn't reply and I don't care. Oh also I almost forgot to mention that in the e-mail he said "oh so are we talking again" and I replied no. Because lets face it I don't want to talk to him.
Today I got an e-mail from him again saying he thinks we're ready to try the friendship thing again... And much to my dismay I found he still had the power to provoke emotion, more anger then anything else. So calmly I replied that I wasn't ready and I would e-mail him when I was. After all our first attempts didn't fail because of him, I couldn't forgive him and every moment we spent together all I could think about was the horrible things he had done to me.
But why does this man keep bugging me to be friends with him? I have no desire to even pass a friendly word with him let alone a whole coffee. Does what I think affect him so much? Well I don't care what he feels, I want no part in him he has become everything I despise about mankind.
Now it wouldn't be fair to judge the whole sex on one man, I've heard enough horror stories from other girls about how their guys treat them. My mom has to be one o the better cases though, her relatioship embodies everything a woman hates about their relationship to men. First of all you have to realize what my step father is like, he works all day with people, in an industry he's good at but is absolutely miserable being a part of. He comes home and wants to spend time with my mother, which is normal enough but if she doesn't feel like going out to the hot tub he sulks, or if she doesn't have dinner ready he What's for someone else to make it, or if no one clears his plate he wont do it he'll leave it lying on the table.
Up to this point its all understandable, he complains to my mother they never do anything, when as a couple they haven't made any friends to hang around with. He is overly protective of my mother, if she talks to an old guy friend from up north he practically throws a fit, while he'll go behind her back and drive other girls to work, where does he get off? Not only that when my mom wants to do something like a lady's night out or something he sulks and is miserable.
That is the word my mother uses to describer her husband "miserable" and the way she says it. I want her to be happy, but I think she may have picked the wrong man for it. Not that he's all bad, he can be a nice guy but you always feel like you have to be careful around him, its hard to explain why. But that's my post as to why guys suck, well in the relatioship field anyways LOL.
Today I got an e-mail from him again saying he thinks we're ready to try the friendship thing again... And much to my dismay I found he still had the power to provoke emotion, more anger then anything else. So calmly I replied that I wasn't ready and I would e-mail him when I was. After all our first attempts didn't fail because of him, I couldn't forgive him and every moment we spent together all I could think about was the horrible things he had done to me.
But why does this man keep bugging me to be friends with him? I have no desire to even pass a friendly word with him let alone a whole coffee. Does what I think affect him so much? Well I don't care what he feels, I want no part in him he has become everything I despise about mankind.
Now it wouldn't be fair to judge the whole sex on one man, I've heard enough horror stories from other girls about how their guys treat them. My mom has to be one o the better cases though, her relatioship embodies everything a woman hates about their relationship to men. First of all you have to realize what my step father is like, he works all day with people, in an industry he's good at but is absolutely miserable being a part of. He comes home and wants to spend time with my mother, which is normal enough but if she doesn't feel like going out to the hot tub he sulks, or if she doesn't have dinner ready he What's for someone else to make it, or if no one clears his plate he wont do it he'll leave it lying on the table.
Up to this point its all understandable, he complains to my mother they never do anything, when as a couple they haven't made any friends to hang around with. He is overly protective of my mother, if she talks to an old guy friend from up north he practically throws a fit, while he'll go behind her back and drive other girls to work, where does he get off? Not only that when my mom wants to do something like a lady's night out or something he sulks and is miserable.
That is the word my mother uses to describer her husband "miserable" and the way she says it. I want her to be happy, but I think she may have picked the wrong man for it. Not that he's all bad, he can be a nice guy but you always feel like you have to be careful around him, its hard to explain why. But that's my post as to why guys suck, well in the relatioship field anyways LOL.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Write me a song; one that makes all the girls cry
Do you ever wonder what influence music has in our life, I don't mean to sound deeper then I am, or stoned for that matter. But really think about it. Cords dependant on their structure and key can make us feel happy, sad, or even scared. But when should the influence of the songs stop, I like to think that as rational creatures we control emotion fairly well, and I will tell you right now that I don't like to show emotion to other people, but the harder I try it seems the easier I am to read. Thats not the point I was trying to make though, generally I consider myself the ice bitch when it comes to any emotion that is not widely accepted, like crying. Only 6 have seen me cry that I can readily think of, and each time I have been ashamed that someone should see that weekness and use it against me.
However that is not what I was trying to get at, once again I stray as is hiding from my true subject, the creative connection we have with lyrics. Not that people who listen to rap generally believe in its message, but songs have made me cry before, some that were the right words at the right moment that makes someone just break down. Speaking of which what is my point in this whole blog, and will it ever make sense? I don't know. This is horrible but I'm gong to post it anyways.
However that is not what I was trying to get at, once again I stray as is hiding from my true subject, the creative connection we have with lyrics. Not that people who listen to rap generally believe in its message, but songs have made me cry before, some that were the right words at the right moment that makes someone just break down. Speaking of which what is my point in this whole blog, and will it ever make sense? I don't know. This is horrible but I'm gong to post it anyways.
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