worries and health

My mother has gone into the emergency ward today, for the last couple of months she hasn't had her period, and then a couple days ago the gusher released and thats what it has been ever since, today she went into a clinic to see a doctor and the sent her to the emergency ward in a different hospital, she has been waiting for almost 7 hours or so in the emerg ward, waiting for a bed and I haven't heard anything for nearly an hour as to how she's doing or if they have infact found her a bed yet. Its all very stressful, and the best you can do is hold your breath and hope for the best. There wont be news until tomarrow I'm afraid.

I've been house hunting and with very little sucess but at the moment its only a buzz in the background for my anxiety, I hae found a job, nothing interesting. I will probably tell you more about it on my first day. My sister graduates in a few days and I hope my mom is set up and out of the hospital by then. life is fucking shit!

Night elves and updates

So I have to admit I don't write in ym blog often, and when I do its more a rant then anything, however I felt you might want something relatively recent. Times at the moment are a bit of a turmoil, my mother and stepfather are going to be moving soon, putting me in a possition where I have to move out of course. Not that I mind its been on my list fior a while now. In order to move out howevere i need to get a better paying job and everything seems to be happening so fast, I'm not as scared as I used to be, but it does come in waves, I worry that I wont get a job to support myself and will end up living on the streets but then again I know I have enough money saved up to keep me out of trouble for a while. I just wish I could get a reply to the resumes I have sent off thus far. It seems to be taking forever. Oh well

old friends

I would ask at this point if you ever had riends you only hung out with ocassionally, but then that would only be me whose like that. But anyways my friend is leaving for england soon and I thought I would get together with her and a couple friends, a small get together to wish her well before she left and yadda yadda yadda, the other girl we invited though decided it would be better if she invited people that neither me nor tonia really hung out with; needless to say I wasn't impressed to begin with. But as things went on I began to realise how they acted, and it almost appaled me, they still treated each other like they were in high school, actually they were a little less mature then that. Of course logically from there I began to wonder why they hadn't changed and I had, perhaps I had seen and done more? It couldn't be, after all I'm a shut in that does virtually nothing all day, and I work at a job where being chipper is the key, but it is far from mature.

Another reason perhaps that I had stopped hanging out with them? it was hardly refreshing to have them talk about alcohol so fondly, and bad driving almost as much so. I just don't get it.

the void

I have once more found myself sitting at the computer wanting desperately to do someting. Not something worhtwile, not something that will change my life in any way but I want there to be anything to make my life better for that one moment of respite from a life that though I don't despise, I cannot get excited about. As with most in the world I find that one thought weighing heavy on my shoulders, something dragging me down and keeping me well, here of all places. Sometimes I wish I could isolate what makes my heart ache and kill it as violently as I wish I could kill Scott, but don't give up hope on me yet. The name does not rouse that bitterness I use to feel nor does it make me want to give up as it once did, the magic that was in the name has gone and I do not lament its passing. Even though I can say that there are moments when I still wish I could drag him down by the troat and make his life hell on earth. But what brings me to this senseless land that is my blog?

Even I cannot tell you that, I hope as I do evertime I send something into cyber space that someone would read it and see the real me, undrestand where I'm coming from and just know me. There is always that self loathing that is incured when I notice that I need anothers aproval, or that I want there to be someone I know cannot exist, after all for all the times I say people don't know me I push someone else away and make myself alone, a state I truely love most of the time. Sure there is the ocassion where I want to meet that perfect person for me, but I think I have given up hope, I don't particularily have the means to carry out a relationship after all.

Promises

It has been quite a while since I have found the energy or the inspiration to post. Actually I've been meaning to for a while after all this is a safe place to put all the things I don't want to deal with, send them into the void as it were. No one gets hurt and I don't bottle anything in. Its weird all considered, this is the only place where I don't look at the keyboard when I type. I guess its more to keep my train of thought going unabated. Things at the moment are going well, work is good and the holidays weren't as bad as I thought they would be but man alive is it hard to be on your lonesome during new years, well without a fellow I mean. I don't know it probably the blood talking but I have been pining away for a while for a new flame. I guess there was something about being in a relationship I miss after all.

My friends boyfriend (who she met over the net) Is coming back down in a couple of days here. Fraid I wont get more then the two words I got out of him last time. She got a forever ring from him for Christmas and it turns out that Scott gave janelle a promise ring. Not suprissing really I just thought he wouldn't have the nerve but it does make a certain amount of sense, more ways of controlling her. And I'm really not as bitter as I sound on here. I didn't really need to know that but hey its better I did. So I've decided something. I'm going to die a spinster, LOL I know chances are that I'll meet someone fabulous but I don't know prince charming hasn't really made an appearance. I don't think I like those guys at work as much as I use to, one I completely triggered as a project and I don't know about the other. There's a guy I met on the net though he seems nice enough. But he lives in California, which isn't that far but its not close anyways, not that I meet people outside of cyberspace, but I think I'm getting lonely enough for that to be an option which is slightly sad, there's just no where for me to meet a good guy. Like all my online friends though we'll prolly drift or something which would be sad he seems nice if nothing else.

I don't know, life is very stengnat for me at the moment, I should move, get a job that pays more and meet some friends but everytime I think seriously enough about it I don't feel I deserve it though I can't tel why. I am a nice enough person but I blame myself for using others even if I don't. But I should go I suppose.

alison.