the void

I have once more found myself sitting at the computer wanting desperately to do someting. Not something worhtwile, not something that will change my life in any way but I want there to be anything to make my life better for that one moment of respite from a life that though I don't despise, I cannot get excited about. As with most in the world I find that one thought weighing heavy on my shoulders, something dragging me down and keeping me well, here of all places. Sometimes I wish I could isolate what makes my heart ache and kill it as violently as I wish I could kill Scott, but don't give up hope on me yet. The name does not rouse that bitterness I use to feel nor does it make me want to give up as it once did, the magic that was in the name has gone and I do not lament its passing. Even though I can say that there are moments when I still wish I could drag him down by the troat and make his life hell on earth. But what brings me to this senseless land that is my blog?

Even I cannot tell you that, I hope as I do evertime I send something into cyber space that someone would read it and see the real me, undrestand where I'm coming from and just know me. There is always that self loathing that is incured when I notice that I need anothers aproval, or that I want there to be someone I know cannot exist, after all for all the times I say people don't know me I push someone else away and make myself alone, a state I truely love most of the time. Sure there is the ocassion where I want to meet that perfect person for me, but I think I have given up hope, I don't particularily have the means to carry out a relationship after all.