My mother has gone into the emergency ward today, for the last couple of months she hasn't had her period, and then a couple days ago the gusher released and thats what it has been ever since, today she went into a clinic to see a doctor and the sent her to the emergency ward in a different hospital, she has been waiting for almost 7 hours or so in the emerg ward, waiting for a bed and I haven't heard anything for nearly an hour as to how she's doing or if they have infact found her a bed yet. Its all very stressful, and the best you can do is hold your breath and hope for the best. There wont be news until tomarrow I'm afraid.
I've been house hunting and with very little sucess but at the moment its only a buzz in the background for my anxiety, I hae found a job, nothing interesting. I will probably tell you more about it on my first day. My sister graduates in a few days and I hope my mom is set up and out of the hospital by then. life is fucking shit!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
Night elves and updates
So I have to admit I don't write in ym blog often, and when I do its more a rant then anything, however I felt you might want something relatively recent. Times at the moment are a bit of a turmoil, my mother and stepfather are going to be moving soon, putting me in a possition where I have to move out of course. Not that I mind its been on my list fior a while now. In order to move out howevere i need to get a better paying job and everything seems to be happening so fast, I'm not as scared as I used to be, but it does come in waves, I worry that I wont get a job to support myself and will end up living on the streets but then again I know I have enough money saved up to keep me out of trouble for a while. I just wish I could get a reply to the resumes I have sent off thus far. It seems to be taking forever. Oh well
Thursday, March 23, 2006
old friends
I would ask at this point if you ever had riends you only hung out with ocassionally, but then that would only be me whose like that. But anyways my friend is leaving for england soon and I thought I would get together with her and a couple friends, a small get together to wish her well before she left and yadda yadda yadda, the other girl we invited though decided it would be better if she invited people that neither me nor tonia really hung out with; needless to say I wasn't impressed to begin with. But as things went on I began to realise how they acted, and it almost appaled me, they still treated each other like they were in high school, actually they were a little less mature then that. Of course logically from there I began to wonder why they hadn't changed and I had, perhaps I had seen and done more? It couldn't be, after all I'm a shut in that does virtually nothing all day, and I work at a job where being chipper is the key, but it is far from mature.
Another reason perhaps that I had stopped hanging out with them? it was hardly refreshing to have them talk about alcohol so fondly, and bad driving almost as much so. I just don't get it.
Another reason perhaps that I had stopped hanging out with them? it was hardly refreshing to have them talk about alcohol so fondly, and bad driving almost as much so. I just don't get it.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
the void
I have once more found myself sitting at the computer wanting desperately to do someting. Not something worhtwile, not something that will change my life in any way but I want there to be anything to make my life better for that one moment of respite from a life that though I don't despise, I cannot get excited about. As with most in the world I find that one thought weighing heavy on my shoulders, something dragging me down and keeping me well, here of all places. Sometimes I wish I could isolate what makes my heart ache and kill it as violently as I wish I could kill Scott, but don't give up hope on me yet. The name does not rouse that bitterness I use to feel nor does it make me want to give up as it once did, the magic that was in the name has gone and I do not lament its passing. Even though I can say that there are moments when I still wish I could drag him down by the troat and make his life hell on earth. But what brings me to this senseless land that is my blog?
Even I cannot tell you that, I hope as I do evertime I send something into cyber space that someone would read it and see the real me, undrestand where I'm coming from and just know me. There is always that self loathing that is incured when I notice that I need anothers aproval, or that I want there to be someone I know cannot exist, after all for all the times I say people don't know me I push someone else away and make myself alone, a state I truely love most of the time. Sure there is the ocassion where I want to meet that perfect person for me, but I think I have given up hope, I don't particularily have the means to carry out a relationship after all.
Even I cannot tell you that, I hope as I do evertime I send something into cyber space that someone would read it and see the real me, undrestand where I'm coming from and just know me. There is always that self loathing that is incured when I notice that I need anothers aproval, or that I want there to be someone I know cannot exist, after all for all the times I say people don't know me I push someone else away and make myself alone, a state I truely love most of the time. Sure there is the ocassion where I want to meet that perfect person for me, but I think I have given up hope, I don't particularily have the means to carry out a relationship after all.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Promises
It has been quite a while since I have found the energy or the inspiration to post. Actually I've been meaning to for a while after all this is a safe place to put all the things I don't want to deal with, send them into the void as it were. No one gets hurt and I don't bottle anything in. Its weird all considered, this is the only place where I don't look at the keyboard when I type. I guess its more to keep my train of thought going unabated. Things at the moment are going well, work is good and the holidays weren't as bad as I thought they would be but man alive is it hard to be on your lonesome during new years, well without a fellow I mean. I don't know it probably the blood talking but I have been pining away for a while for a new flame. I guess there was something about being in a relationship I miss after all.
My friends boyfriend (who she met over the net) Is coming back down in a couple of days here. Fraid I wont get more then the two words I got out of him last time. She got a forever ring from him for Christmas and it turns out that Scott gave janelle a promise ring. Not suprissing really I just thought he wouldn't have the nerve but it does make a certain amount of sense, more ways of controlling her. And I'm really not as bitter as I sound on here. I didn't really need to know that but hey its better I did. So I've decided something. I'm going to die a spinster, LOL I know chances are that I'll meet someone fabulous but I don't know prince charming hasn't really made an appearance. I don't think I like those guys at work as much as I use to, one I completely triggered as a project and I don't know about the other. There's a guy I met on the net though he seems nice enough. But he lives in California, which isn't that far but its not close anyways, not that I meet people outside of cyberspace, but I think I'm getting lonely enough for that to be an option which is slightly sad, there's just no where for me to meet a good guy. Like all my online friends though we'll prolly drift or something which would be sad he seems nice if nothing else.
I don't know, life is very stengnat for me at the moment, I should move, get a job that pays more and meet some friends but everytime I think seriously enough about it I don't feel I deserve it though I can't tel why. I am a nice enough person but I blame myself for using others even if I don't. But I should go I suppose.
alison.
My friends boyfriend (who she met over the net) Is coming back down in a couple of days here. Fraid I wont get more then the two words I got out of him last time. She got a forever ring from him for Christmas and it turns out that Scott gave janelle a promise ring. Not suprissing really I just thought he wouldn't have the nerve but it does make a certain amount of sense, more ways of controlling her. And I'm really not as bitter as I sound on here. I didn't really need to know that but hey its better I did. So I've decided something. I'm going to die a spinster, LOL I know chances are that I'll meet someone fabulous but I don't know prince charming hasn't really made an appearance. I don't think I like those guys at work as much as I use to, one I completely triggered as a project and I don't know about the other. There's a guy I met on the net though he seems nice enough. But he lives in California, which isn't that far but its not close anyways, not that I meet people outside of cyberspace, but I think I'm getting lonely enough for that to be an option which is slightly sad, there's just no where for me to meet a good guy. Like all my online friends though we'll prolly drift or something which would be sad he seems nice if nothing else.
I don't know, life is very stengnat for me at the moment, I should move, get a job that pays more and meet some friends but everytime I think seriously enough about it I don't feel I deserve it though I can't tel why. I am a nice enough person but I blame myself for using others even if I don't. But I should go I suppose.
alison.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
HOW-D
Salutations,
my job is going well and I've been meaning to write its just things have been busy. My job is more or less tiresome at the moment my first day off in like 3 weeks is on thurs... WOOT. I don't mind tho its just I find I'm getting tired really easy. I found out something today, a guy I thought was my age at work is actually two years younger, which means he's as old as my sister. Which isn't a big deal, I don't like him as anything more then a friend, even though he's a good enough person. Too tall for my tastes. I know I'm going to sound horrible when I say that I think about the guys at work, there's one for example, who isn't cute by anymeans but I kinda like him in the non serious way. And then there's always the one guy I mentioned last time, I do think he's younger then me also but I always remind myself there are worse things in the world, like judgment someone based on their age.
enough about age for a moment lets talk about people who drive, I admit I am one of those people, who does own a vehicle, but if you can't drive. Why are you on the road? Like people who see their lane turns... Don't merge into mine expecting I will wait for you in the middle of the intersection. Make the bloody turn and I don't know go in the other way or heaven forbid turn around in a parking lot. And people who don't yield lets talk about them for a minute, there is this difficult maneuver on my way to work, I merge with another lane who has a yield sign. Ok... Didn't come out the way I wanted but they have to wait for me... Do you think they do? Oh and people who go 10 under the speed limit in the fast lane, what's that all about. I get it if you don't wanna go fast but really be courteous to those who do. I don't know why when your driving everything someone else does you feel is a personal slight and heaven forbid I will admit I do get angry when I'm running late for work and I can't get to where I want to in an efficient way.
That and people who come into a book store and get upset you don't carry "their" magazine, you know the one no one else buys. And of course they blame you when neither of you can find it and they just have to talk to the person in charge. That or people who just don't get that I'm trying to do my job and tell me to "leave me alone" which I respect and understand but if your standing in the middle of the isle reading and taking up as much space as possible I feel that I have the right to ask your lazy ass if you wan to sit in a chair thereinby you are not hindering the people around you and henceforth the sales people might leave you alone. But no I guess courtesy and understanding died along time ago. I will admit that I don't always like to be asked if I want help but hey if I don't wanna deal with the people I buy the damn book and get out of the freakin store. I don't mind when people come in an read the books without buying them there are two such guys and a gal who do so they're some of the nicest people I've seen there and no one bugs them because they sit out of the way and look intent on the object infront of them and talk to you when you address them.
and then there are thoe opera people, heaven forbid some book should be talked about on her show, and people believe that they should get it before everyone else. For example a million little pieces by James Frey, I'm sure its a good book, we've been sold out since I started working there which is almost a month ago. People come into the store claiming that we have x copies and that they want one. Granted our computers shouldn't lie to them like that, its mean but don't yell at me if we sold all of them before the computer could be updated, and no you can't put your name on a list before everyone else's, we're sure you think your great but to us your just another person like the last one who asked.
Now I have to be small minded for a minute forgive me, I live in Canada we speak English and French.... Not Chinese not Hindu and certainly not Chinese... I know I said Chinese twice. It is not my job or role in life to learn your language because you chose to move to my country. I understand English is a hard language, but if you decide to move somewhere you think you could learn something more then daughter? And lastly for my job rant, I did not go out of my way to make your experience a bad one, you came into my store and couldn't give me anything more then it was the one listed on that show.
hmmm quite a rant I think, and well needed I should have wrote it out, I usually feel better when my hand hurts.
my job is going well and I've been meaning to write its just things have been busy. My job is more or less tiresome at the moment my first day off in like 3 weeks is on thurs... WOOT. I don't mind tho its just I find I'm getting tired really easy. I found out something today, a guy I thought was my age at work is actually two years younger, which means he's as old as my sister. Which isn't a big deal, I don't like him as anything more then a friend, even though he's a good enough person. Too tall for my tastes. I know I'm going to sound horrible when I say that I think about the guys at work, there's one for example, who isn't cute by anymeans but I kinda like him in the non serious way. And then there's always the one guy I mentioned last time, I do think he's younger then me also but I always remind myself there are worse things in the world, like judgment someone based on their age.
enough about age for a moment lets talk about people who drive, I admit I am one of those people, who does own a vehicle, but if you can't drive. Why are you on the road? Like people who see their lane turns... Don't merge into mine expecting I will wait for you in the middle of the intersection. Make the bloody turn and I don't know go in the other way or heaven forbid turn around in a parking lot. And people who don't yield lets talk about them for a minute, there is this difficult maneuver on my way to work, I merge with another lane who has a yield sign. Ok... Didn't come out the way I wanted but they have to wait for me... Do you think they do? Oh and people who go 10 under the speed limit in the fast lane, what's that all about. I get it if you don't wanna go fast but really be courteous to those who do. I don't know why when your driving everything someone else does you feel is a personal slight and heaven forbid I will admit I do get angry when I'm running late for work and I can't get to where I want to in an efficient way.
That and people who come into a book store and get upset you don't carry "their" magazine, you know the one no one else buys. And of course they blame you when neither of you can find it and they just have to talk to the person in charge. That or people who just don't get that I'm trying to do my job and tell me to "leave me alone" which I respect and understand but if your standing in the middle of the isle reading and taking up as much space as possible I feel that I have the right to ask your lazy ass if you wan to sit in a chair thereinby you are not hindering the people around you and henceforth the sales people might leave you alone. But no I guess courtesy and understanding died along time ago. I will admit that I don't always like to be asked if I want help but hey if I don't wanna deal with the people I buy the damn book and get out of the freakin store. I don't mind when people come in an read the books without buying them there are two such guys and a gal who do so they're some of the nicest people I've seen there and no one bugs them because they sit out of the way and look intent on the object infront of them and talk to you when you address them.
and then there are thoe opera people, heaven forbid some book should be talked about on her show, and people believe that they should get it before everyone else. For example a million little pieces by James Frey, I'm sure its a good book, we've been sold out since I started working there which is almost a month ago. People come into the store claiming that we have x copies and that they want one. Granted our computers shouldn't lie to them like that, its mean but don't yell at me if we sold all of them before the computer could be updated, and no you can't put your name on a list before everyone else's, we're sure you think your great but to us your just another person like the last one who asked.
Now I have to be small minded for a minute forgive me, I live in Canada we speak English and French.... Not Chinese not Hindu and certainly not Chinese... I know I said Chinese twice. It is not my job or role in life to learn your language because you chose to move to my country. I understand English is a hard language, but if you decide to move somewhere you think you could learn something more then daughter? And lastly for my job rant, I did not go out of my way to make your experience a bad one, you came into my store and couldn't give me anything more then it was the one listed on that show.
hmmm quite a rant I think, and well needed I should have wrote it out, I usually feel better when my hand hurts.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Again
whats the deal with people? I only ask because to me a friend is someone who would never tell you something that would hurt you unless you needed to know. Ok which brings me to the main topic of today's rant, I have this friend, she's nice and I know all the reasons I like her, but it was her best friend who stol my guy... talk about messy. Anyways anything she hears about the relatioship she pretty much tells me, and I don't hurt like I use to about it. I would rather he died then think about it, or talk to him again but for the most part I don't care any more. Apparently however the two of them are like fucking rabbits, the hump more then I don't know a horny dog. Which I find distressing, I could hardly get him interested in intercourse, everything else he was fine and good, but how is she having more luck then I was?
Its not that she's more attractive, actually she's rather large, physically speaking, and she's not pretty by any means, though she's not absolutely dredful to look at. I don't know its just a combination of them banging uglies at every chance, and her actually telling me this stuff when she knows how I feel about the two of them. *sigh*
With that out of the way I think I've found someone I can crush on, he's not overly cute. I don't thinkI've ever liked someone because they're handsome, well maybe my ex. But I've learned my lesson about that. No this guy is nice and has a great smile. But I don't know how old he is. I don't want to sound shallow but I wont date a guy in high school, that would make him my sisters age and thats just not right. I hope so much he's in college or university, but I have this feeling that he isn't. I don't have a problem talking to guys its just I haven't had the oppertunity to ask him those kind of questions, like his favorite colour and stuff, but I'm one of those people who think that because I find someone attractive they will think I am as well automatically. I should know better with all the years of disapointment, of thinking I should have asked or made a move. But really I don't want to make a fool of myself and the price is too high for something as risky as all that,
I don't know I must be boring you, and I should go. I have to work tomarrow
night
Its not that she's more attractive, actually she's rather large, physically speaking, and she's not pretty by any means, though she's not absolutely dredful to look at. I don't know its just a combination of them banging uglies at every chance, and her actually telling me this stuff when she knows how I feel about the two of them. *sigh*
With that out of the way I think I've found someone I can crush on, he's not overly cute. I don't thinkI've ever liked someone because they're handsome, well maybe my ex. But I've learned my lesson about that. No this guy is nice and has a great smile. But I don't know how old he is. I don't want to sound shallow but I wont date a guy in high school, that would make him my sisters age and thats just not right. I hope so much he's in college or university, but I have this feeling that he isn't. I don't have a problem talking to guys its just I haven't had the oppertunity to ask him those kind of questions, like his favorite colour and stuff, but I'm one of those people who think that because I find someone attractive they will think I am as well automatically. I should know better with all the years of disapointment, of thinking I should have asked or made a move. But really I don't want to make a fool of myself and the price is too high for something as risky as all that,
I don't know I must be boring you, and I should go. I have to work tomarrow
night
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