When is goodbye really goodbye?

I don't know how many of you know this or care; but at the beginning this was to be a blog apart from my journal to which my boyfriend could read. But alas he hasn't been mine for going on 4 months now. Tonight I officially told him that I never wanted to talk to him again. It was a lot easier then you think. In the beginning he talked about how he still wanted to be friends and how much I still meant to him, which was aherant from the fact that he's still dating the girl he left me for. But that's not why I'm writing this really, I'm not going to brood over him and our relationship, as much as reflect upon when I should have left him and when he should have taken the hint to leave me alone.

In the beginning our relationship was very much the touchy feely way most peoples are at the start, coming from a world where P.D.A (public displays of affection) were thought of as gross and horridly ineffective, it is strange how well I took to it. We started dating probably because a) it was summer and b) no one else was here which alone makes me wonder why we dated for so long. Not added to that is the fact that I was moving away for school. Actually the night of my birthday I had tried dumping him but he clung to me and started crying, so as the mere thought of doing it made me abashed.

Even then I clung to the hopes that it was just a summer fling, wishing for all that I was worth he would find someone else to lavish his attention on and I would be free. I even went as far as to suggest we date other people or be just merely friends with benefits. But he was quite adamant that it wouldn't work so I spent the first year of my university education at home waiting diligently for him to come online, while I drive a 5 hour round trip every weekend to be with him. He didn't quite share my dlilgence however and I spent most of my life waiting for him when he wasn't coming. Go figure. Another reason I should have let him go, but you may not be aware that I am stubborn and only missed one weekend away from him.

Everyday we talked and I enjoyed the pampering really and fell for him more. He was always a very flirtatious guy and I always knew it but him spending so much time with girls, when I felt guilty hanging around with anyone for fear I had missed him, or that he might feel I would rather be with other people then him always sent me running home, to turn on the computer, and wait for hours till he made his appearance though I don't understand what made me feel obliged to do so. When I found myself less concerned with school then him that should have been another sign. I will not blame him for my schoolwork but it is hard to accomplish anything when I spent my weekends in the car or with him. I flunked out of my first year, not something uncommon but something which angered me all the same.

When summer came I moved back to be with him more and true to my word I spent every available moment with him. I got a job, with long hours pretty much 7 days a week but it paid good money, with lots of overtime. I could have afforded an apartment rent for a whole year off of what I was making. But he complained about never seeing me and I quit reluctantly because he couldn't bear to see me so tired. While he was contemplating moving away to a job more stressful then mine. That should have been another sign.

During my Christmas vacation while I was in school he had some family friends come over from englad, the oldest one Harriet was relentless in her pursuit of him. So much so that I had to leave because the mere sight sickened me. He did not stop her pursuits even when I was there and that torn up feeling should have been enough to tell me he wasn't worth it. But she went away, and he told me that they had been an item before she moved away though he never really labeled it as dating "we use to sit in my basement and make out that was it" that should have been another sign, especially once he started telling me about all the girls he had been with and pointing out places they had "done stuff" he assured me that I was the first for a lot of stuff but I came to him smelling of summer, if you know what I mean, I had never even kissed a guy. That should have been another sign.

I think myself an idiot girl looking back pledging myself to him, while he did the same though obviously it meant nothing to him, I told him that I was his and he said he was mine, but that's when the other girl came in. This girl was the best friend to one of my closer friends and the fact that she liked him never escaped me though he played ignorance. However by that time I had dated him for about 10 months and he didn't seem to pose much of a threat but she started hitting on him more and more while I was around and he would put her in situations where she only knew him ad would cling to him for dear life. Should have been more then a good enough sign. He told me he'd stop it, he never did the like till the day before he dumped me.

The last weeks of our relationship were unhappy, he treated me like I didn't exist, kept pulling away saying that people were uncomfortable, but he would happily hug the other girl. And then it was over. I am happier about that then many would know, well now looking back.

Two weeks after he dumped me he started dating the other girl, and had asked me to still be friends with him and that lent me to the privilege of knowing how much he hung out with her. The day he told me they were dating I screamed at him through my tears (yes the ice bitch can cry) and I hung up on him because more then anything I needed to nurse my wounds and rage against him in privacy, but he kept calling back and I hung up on him two more times till he was swearing at me and yelling. I should have known better. Why are they allowed to treat us thus?

I tried the friend thing but everything I was with him he'd tell me he still cared about me, and would brag about what we did together, intimately. Stuff no one should have been privy to but the jerk kept mentioning things and that would anger me because I was not his anymore and those were not his stories to tell. I grew bitter and soon couldn't handle the sound of his voice when he called me but I would do what he asked like a good girl. Go and hang out with him and stuff but I would start getting angry at him before I knew it and it just wasn't pleasant.

He called me one night and his first words were "this has to fucking stop" he was yelling, my family was trying to sleep but I couldn't help getting mad and soon I was being a little louder then I should have been. He asked if my whole family was in the room with me and I told him they weren't though I don't' doubt they heard my whole side of the conversation. It was later then I should have talked on the phone by the time I told him I was going to bed and hung up on him, but it was more that I was tired of him yelling at me and swearing. No one deserves that. He started messaging me after asking if 'I was ever going to talk to him again and making out like he had done nothing wrong. It went on for two weeks and this was the first I responded to him and told him I would never like to talk to him again. Taking offense he said he still had feelings for me and made me out to be the bad guy because he still wanted to be friends. He had said that before and I had always said yeah we'll be friends because I wanted to avoid being the one who broke off our friendship, but it was really over when he dumped me for her.

I'm sure you all would like to know they're still dating, onto their 4th month I believe. She is as I was, ready to drop her life for him and I hope she gets out alive as I did. Because no man who can achieve such loyalty and who is that close to the female kind no matter if he is taken is worth anyone's troubles. At least he is no longer mine to worry about, and I will never shed another tear for him, though I will attend his funeral and probably his wedding if I can to do my duty because if nothing else I am diligent on that account.