As with before I have no idea what I'm gonig to write tonight, only tht I'm going to write something. Today I got together with a friend and we went fish shopping, neither of ous bought anything but it was an excuse to get out of the house and spend some quality time with a person I don't see every day. We had some of the strangest conversations, and I hate to say it but I was relieved to find out she wasn't a virgin, I haven't been for a little while now, and the scandal still seems pretty high abuot it, and finding out that I'm not the only one was more then reliving. I don't know, the guys I've met and he's really nice and I think its good for her, at least I think he is anyways.
We talked a little about my ex since its her best friend he's dating now, and apparenlty the news is he's going to give her a promise ring for christmas, I don't see this happening, but who knows I might just be off my rocker, in any case it shouldn't matter to me one way or the other. Sure I want him to feel pain like no living being can withstand, but then again he pissed me off. And continues to do so.
Amoung the oh so fun conversations we had was one about some of the stuff we've seen, I started with the whole birth control card, you know something light that could easily be forgotten, she antied with a show it all teddie and pantie set, I broke out the baby sitter thong, and she countered with finding her mothers. I didn't want to drag out the porn my babysitters brother use to show me (which actually belonged to his brother) or the hentai in their house, I think its a little much don't you? But yeah we talked a little and it was good having someone to talk to but I just couldn't really bring myself to open up about sex to her, I don't know maybe talking about it is a little too taboo for me even still.
But eah I got a call back from the place I applied, I had an interview almost a week ago and I go for an orientation on tues, I can't say I'm not excited, it will be good to be making money again, and hopefully in time I can a) start making decent money there or b) find a job that pays better in time. After all, even if I don't go back to school for a while I can not continue to rely on my parents, and some part of me misses living on my own. At this point I'm not sure I will go back to school, it seems less apealing to me then it did before, after all if an average canadian changes jobs how many times in a life time, is it not just easier to avoid spending half or a decade getting the education you need for one job and then having to go back to train for a new advocation? I don't know it all seems pretty silly to me, but for tonight I'm going to bed.
Good night
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Friday, October 14, 2005
More rants from a female mind
Ok, what's with guys really? God help me I love them but why are all men such jerks, thinking myself a scientist I would hate to generalize however I have not found any proof that there is any other state a male comes in. Ok I have written in detail about my breakup with my ex, and about our attempts at friendship and how they failed. A couple weeks ago he contacted me and said he was going to the hospital for day surgery, and alas well and good I tell him I'll visit him. After all I have an obligation because he visited me. But I warn him that if she's there I wont stay, he doesn't reply and I don't care. Oh also I almost forgot to mention that in the e-mail he said "oh so are we talking again" and I replied no. Because lets face it I don't want to talk to him.
Today I got an e-mail from him again saying he thinks we're ready to try the friendship thing again... And much to my dismay I found he still had the power to provoke emotion, more anger then anything else. So calmly I replied that I wasn't ready and I would e-mail him when I was. After all our first attempts didn't fail because of him, I couldn't forgive him and every moment we spent together all I could think about was the horrible things he had done to me.
But why does this man keep bugging me to be friends with him? I have no desire to even pass a friendly word with him let alone a whole coffee. Does what I think affect him so much? Well I don't care what he feels, I want no part in him he has become everything I despise about mankind.
Now it wouldn't be fair to judge the whole sex on one man, I've heard enough horror stories from other girls about how their guys treat them. My mom has to be one o the better cases though, her relatioship embodies everything a woman hates about their relationship to men. First of all you have to realize what my step father is like, he works all day with people, in an industry he's good at but is absolutely miserable being a part of. He comes home and wants to spend time with my mother, which is normal enough but if she doesn't feel like going out to the hot tub he sulks, or if she doesn't have dinner ready he What's for someone else to make it, or if no one clears his plate he wont do it he'll leave it lying on the table.
Up to this point its all understandable, he complains to my mother they never do anything, when as a couple they haven't made any friends to hang around with. He is overly protective of my mother, if she talks to an old guy friend from up north he practically throws a fit, while he'll go behind her back and drive other girls to work, where does he get off? Not only that when my mom wants to do something like a lady's night out or something he sulks and is miserable.
That is the word my mother uses to describer her husband "miserable" and the way she says it. I want her to be happy, but I think she may have picked the wrong man for it. Not that he's all bad, he can be a nice guy but you always feel like you have to be careful around him, its hard to explain why. But that's my post as to why guys suck, well in the relatioship field anyways LOL.
Today I got an e-mail from him again saying he thinks we're ready to try the friendship thing again... And much to my dismay I found he still had the power to provoke emotion, more anger then anything else. So calmly I replied that I wasn't ready and I would e-mail him when I was. After all our first attempts didn't fail because of him, I couldn't forgive him and every moment we spent together all I could think about was the horrible things he had done to me.
But why does this man keep bugging me to be friends with him? I have no desire to even pass a friendly word with him let alone a whole coffee. Does what I think affect him so much? Well I don't care what he feels, I want no part in him he has become everything I despise about mankind.
Now it wouldn't be fair to judge the whole sex on one man, I've heard enough horror stories from other girls about how their guys treat them. My mom has to be one o the better cases though, her relatioship embodies everything a woman hates about their relationship to men. First of all you have to realize what my step father is like, he works all day with people, in an industry he's good at but is absolutely miserable being a part of. He comes home and wants to spend time with my mother, which is normal enough but if she doesn't feel like going out to the hot tub he sulks, or if she doesn't have dinner ready he What's for someone else to make it, or if no one clears his plate he wont do it he'll leave it lying on the table.
Up to this point its all understandable, he complains to my mother they never do anything, when as a couple they haven't made any friends to hang around with. He is overly protective of my mother, if she talks to an old guy friend from up north he practically throws a fit, while he'll go behind her back and drive other girls to work, where does he get off? Not only that when my mom wants to do something like a lady's night out or something he sulks and is miserable.
That is the word my mother uses to describer her husband "miserable" and the way she says it. I want her to be happy, but I think she may have picked the wrong man for it. Not that he's all bad, he can be a nice guy but you always feel like you have to be careful around him, its hard to explain why. But that's my post as to why guys suck, well in the relatioship field anyways LOL.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Write me a song; one that makes all the girls cry
Do you ever wonder what influence music has in our life, I don't mean to sound deeper then I am, or stoned for that matter. But really think about it. Cords dependant on their structure and key can make us feel happy, sad, or even scared. But when should the influence of the songs stop, I like to think that as rational creatures we control emotion fairly well, and I will tell you right now that I don't like to show emotion to other people, but the harder I try it seems the easier I am to read. Thats not the point I was trying to make though, generally I consider myself the ice bitch when it comes to any emotion that is not widely accepted, like crying. Only 6 have seen me cry that I can readily think of, and each time I have been ashamed that someone should see that weekness and use it against me.
However that is not what I was trying to get at, once again I stray as is hiding from my true subject, the creative connection we have with lyrics. Not that people who listen to rap generally believe in its message, but songs have made me cry before, some that were the right words at the right moment that makes someone just break down. Speaking of which what is my point in this whole blog, and will it ever make sense? I don't know. This is horrible but I'm gong to post it anyways.
However that is not what I was trying to get at, once again I stray as is hiding from my true subject, the creative connection we have with lyrics. Not that people who listen to rap generally believe in its message, but songs have made me cry before, some that were the right words at the right moment that makes someone just break down. Speaking of which what is my point in this whole blog, and will it ever make sense? I don't know. This is horrible but I'm gong to post it anyways.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Pet peeves and impatience
Now I will admit that when it comes to pet peeves I have a few, because I have a tendency to be possessive about "my stuff", I love books and I'm one of those people who fastidiously keep the spines unbroken, and the pages unfolded, what can I say I like to keep things the way they were, but after a couple readings books get tattered, and then its more like a good friends then a mint condition prize LOL. Though that may be my biggest peeve, I have to say the one that bugs me the absolute most is when people don't return calls, granted even I have forgotten from time to time, but when a person never calls you back when they say they will (and no there not trying to avoid me) that really kind of pisses me off, pardon the bad language.
How hard is it really to pick up the telephone and dial a number? Not very if I'm the one who did it in the first place. The reason this topic has been brought up is one of my 'friends' she practically is attatched to her cell, I mean in a surgical graphed way. The girl even leaves it on during moves. But my lack of tolerance doesn't end there, she has the most grating voice, and I don't mean to sound like a discrimatory person, she had a handicap, and I don't make fun of her for it. She has one of the most gratting voices known to man, and looks like well a male, if I may be so blunt. But none of those things bother me overly much, we've had discussions with her about other things.
A couple years ago she hurt her ankle in a go carting accident, which should have by all means healed by now, but she didn't work it when it was healing and did none of what her physio therapist suggested, that and she weights quite a bit. So she had taken in the habit of complaining about it and using it as an excuse to be lazy. We took it for a year before we told her that we weren't going to listen to it anymore. It was not my decision, but I supported it all the same. That was a year ago, or more. Well since then she has dropped a little weight and is looking slightly better.
I have never hated her for being what she is physically, its her attitude that is grating, She acts like she's better then everyone and more popular to boot, I have seen her work and she is slow and incompetent with people, and no one fires her because they pity her. Given that and the fact her mother does all the fighting for her and the fact that she is admitted to the hospital for every little cough I cannot blame her for the way she turned out in that aspect. But she is quite possibly the laziest person I have ever known.
In high school she took the minimum requirements to graduate, which is fine, I know more the one person who has done it, but know she has decided what she wants to 'be when she grows up' she is complaining about how hard all the classes will be to take now, and I told her a politely as I could that they were hard then when the rest of us took them.
I guess its really not that which bugs me the most though, its her choice, its a job she couldn't really do. Granted it is more feasible then her becoming a E.M.T (lets face it her hands can't support her even cutting someone open, much less carrying them, and she is not in half the shape she would need to be). Now she wants to be a sound tech, which is fine w/e but I've seen her around a computer, she's almost as bad as my mother was when we got our first machine, one finger typing and all. Not only that but I was in band with her for 4 years or so (she never learned how to play her instrument, even with the band teacher telling her she had no excuse, along with everyone around her. And she complained that the rest of the section hated her, of course when you can't sound good cause someone's not pulling their weight!) she's tone deaf as far as I'm concerned, and with her being a trombone, that is almost a sin against nature because out of anyone who should know they are playing the wrong note it should be them (coming from a modest French horn players opinion). Someone once told me that a trombone could be the most in tune instrument because you can adjust it completely when your playing, not that any other wind player can't LOL.
But I must sound very much the hyprocrit though I think that would be using the wrong word. Making it sound like everyone abandoned me and that I was a good friend, and couldn't understand why I don't have more here. How can I when I think this highly of one of them. Truth be told I almost cut her loose once over a stupid prank we played on her, she got upset I called to apologize and her mother listened in and bitched at me, when I hadn't been the one to initiate it. Bad enough I went along, she was childish I didn't want to apologize but my ex pretty much made me. All I remember was being glad it was over msn because I could almost hear my teeth grating when I typed the words. Out of the two of us (me and my ex) we had known her the same length of time and I never said half the degrading things he said to her. But still she pretty much chose him over me when we broke up. But there's a lot to pick on, like the comment 'wow the sun sure looks on fire' and actually quote which was said in all seriousness.
I don't know if its her stupidity or laziness that bugs me more, but I don't know how much longer I will be able to put up with it, by all rights I should have drifted away from her a long time ago. Silly me.
How hard is it really to pick up the telephone and dial a number? Not very if I'm the one who did it in the first place. The reason this topic has been brought up is one of my 'friends' she practically is attatched to her cell, I mean in a surgical graphed way. The girl even leaves it on during moves. But my lack of tolerance doesn't end there, she has the most grating voice, and I don't mean to sound like a discrimatory person, she had a handicap, and I don't make fun of her for it. She has one of the most gratting voices known to man, and looks like well a male, if I may be so blunt. But none of those things bother me overly much, we've had discussions with her about other things.
A couple years ago she hurt her ankle in a go carting accident, which should have by all means healed by now, but she didn't work it when it was healing and did none of what her physio therapist suggested, that and she weights quite a bit. So she had taken in the habit of complaining about it and using it as an excuse to be lazy. We took it for a year before we told her that we weren't going to listen to it anymore. It was not my decision, but I supported it all the same. That was a year ago, or more. Well since then she has dropped a little weight and is looking slightly better.
I have never hated her for being what she is physically, its her attitude that is grating, She acts like she's better then everyone and more popular to boot, I have seen her work and she is slow and incompetent with people, and no one fires her because they pity her. Given that and the fact her mother does all the fighting for her and the fact that she is admitted to the hospital for every little cough I cannot blame her for the way she turned out in that aspect. But she is quite possibly the laziest person I have ever known.
In high school she took the minimum requirements to graduate, which is fine, I know more the one person who has done it, but know she has decided what she wants to 'be when she grows up' she is complaining about how hard all the classes will be to take now, and I told her a politely as I could that they were hard then when the rest of us took them.
I guess its really not that which bugs me the most though, its her choice, its a job she couldn't really do. Granted it is more feasible then her becoming a E.M.T (lets face it her hands can't support her even cutting someone open, much less carrying them, and she is not in half the shape she would need to be). Now she wants to be a sound tech, which is fine w/e but I've seen her around a computer, she's almost as bad as my mother was when we got our first machine, one finger typing and all. Not only that but I was in band with her for 4 years or so (she never learned how to play her instrument, even with the band teacher telling her she had no excuse, along with everyone around her. And she complained that the rest of the section hated her, of course when you can't sound good cause someone's not pulling their weight!) she's tone deaf as far as I'm concerned, and with her being a trombone, that is almost a sin against nature because out of anyone who should know they are playing the wrong note it should be them (coming from a modest French horn players opinion). Someone once told me that a trombone could be the most in tune instrument because you can adjust it completely when your playing, not that any other wind player can't LOL.
But I must sound very much the hyprocrit though I think that would be using the wrong word. Making it sound like everyone abandoned me and that I was a good friend, and couldn't understand why I don't have more here. How can I when I think this highly of one of them. Truth be told I almost cut her loose once over a stupid prank we played on her, she got upset I called to apologize and her mother listened in and bitched at me, when I hadn't been the one to initiate it. Bad enough I went along, she was childish I didn't want to apologize but my ex pretty much made me. All I remember was being glad it was over msn because I could almost hear my teeth grating when I typed the words. Out of the two of us (me and my ex) we had known her the same length of time and I never said half the degrading things he said to her. But still she pretty much chose him over me when we broke up. But there's a lot to pick on, like the comment 'wow the sun sure looks on fire' and actually quote which was said in all seriousness.
I don't know if its her stupidity or laziness that bugs me more, but I don't know how much longer I will be able to put up with it, by all rights I should have drifted away from her a long time ago. Silly me.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Getting to know people
Admittedly I will tell you that for the past while I have been fairly lonely, not for male companionship mind you but someone besides my family to which I can talk to. Has anyone else felt this way? Surely someone must have, but again most of you have more friends then you know what to do with as well. I have never really been quick to jump at the opportunity to make a friend, I usually let people seek me out, which usually happens, I'm not threatening, around 5'5 and not fat but not slight either, with the biggest round glasses you have ever seen. They make me look comforting, like hot chocolate I guess.
But I fear being of the amiable nature to which I have been predisposed, and the patience to listen to stories, and the natural inclination to take peoples minds away from what is bugging them if there is nothing to be done about it, I think I make a good friend. But I have not been in any sort of mood, or crowd to gain new people in my life. The ones that I know here in my home town have for the most part gone away for school, or I just never see them anymore (the dire affects of having to graduate). While I was going to school I met people I would consider friends, actually quite a few even if I was never really there besides in class, and even then only half the time.
But since I moved home I've only seen one of them again though I've talked to one of them every now and again to see how he is holding up. It has been a long time since I have sought friendship over the internet (and I know you are gasping) but today I started chatting to one of the people I roleplay with (and not in the cyber sex way, I don't have any of those friends, thank the gods). I was a little unsure and extremely curious about this person because they were exceptional when it came to writing and I felt my own powers slightly inferior (and I do recognize the fact that I have but as the starting word for more then one paragraph). So I ambled on about numerous things, learning the trivial things like her sign and then I couldn't help myself from asking some of the deeper questions and found that she asked a few in return.
We broke from the chat when I went to the gym to do cardio and visit my mother at work, and when I came back she was mad at someone and I listened to her carefully and said all the things I felt where appropriate, though I never really give advice to people when I don't really know them. She was upset but the fact was slightly old and I let her rave and when it came time I talked about other things, where I'm from, and the weather for the most part and it left me wondering. Did I make a new friend, I would like to think so because normally I don't really talk a lot over msn but I found that I damn near babbled on to her, which I made amends to. To anyone whose every met me online they will know me for a very apologetic person though in RL I tend to grudge, well not really but sometimes.
Did I make a difference in this persons life? If I have done one thing I hope I cheered her up a littler and when you think about it wanting to do that for someone you have never seen, it is a strange feeling. And it is hard to understand emotion over the internet but even if my company has helped a little I will feel the better for it. And in my attempts for friendship did I push to much and maybe make a little bit of a fool of myself? I hope so! Well not entirely but you get the idea.
So this has left me in a reflective mood, considering the structures of the human world, once again. And the truth has come to me... I need to get a life outside of the computer... Well maybe anyways. What do you guys think? Ah don't answer that, I think I know my life has changed, and not because of today either, I am terrified that I will never find my "true calling" but there's only one way to start, he surgery got me away from my last job, but a new one would do me good. There are a couple barn help ads in the paper, and as always spruce meadows is hiring though if I were to be a groom there I would have to live there as well, which might turn out to be a good thing for me. Working with animals may not sound like the best way to get in contact with people but its a beginning.
But I fear being of the amiable nature to which I have been predisposed, and the patience to listen to stories, and the natural inclination to take peoples minds away from what is bugging them if there is nothing to be done about it, I think I make a good friend. But I have not been in any sort of mood, or crowd to gain new people in my life. The ones that I know here in my home town have for the most part gone away for school, or I just never see them anymore (the dire affects of having to graduate). While I was going to school I met people I would consider friends, actually quite a few even if I was never really there besides in class, and even then only half the time.
But since I moved home I've only seen one of them again though I've talked to one of them every now and again to see how he is holding up. It has been a long time since I have sought friendship over the internet (and I know you are gasping) but today I started chatting to one of the people I roleplay with (and not in the cyber sex way, I don't have any of those friends, thank the gods). I was a little unsure and extremely curious about this person because they were exceptional when it came to writing and I felt my own powers slightly inferior (and I do recognize the fact that I have but as the starting word for more then one paragraph). So I ambled on about numerous things, learning the trivial things like her sign and then I couldn't help myself from asking some of the deeper questions and found that she asked a few in return.
We broke from the chat when I went to the gym to do cardio and visit my mother at work, and when I came back she was mad at someone and I listened to her carefully and said all the things I felt where appropriate, though I never really give advice to people when I don't really know them. She was upset but the fact was slightly old and I let her rave and when it came time I talked about other things, where I'm from, and the weather for the most part and it left me wondering. Did I make a new friend, I would like to think so because normally I don't really talk a lot over msn but I found that I damn near babbled on to her, which I made amends to. To anyone whose every met me online they will know me for a very apologetic person though in RL I tend to grudge, well not really but sometimes.
Did I make a difference in this persons life? If I have done one thing I hope I cheered her up a littler and when you think about it wanting to do that for someone you have never seen, it is a strange feeling. And it is hard to understand emotion over the internet but even if my company has helped a little I will feel the better for it. And in my attempts for friendship did I push to much and maybe make a little bit of a fool of myself? I hope so! Well not entirely but you get the idea.
So this has left me in a reflective mood, considering the structures of the human world, once again. And the truth has come to me... I need to get a life outside of the computer... Well maybe anyways. What do you guys think? Ah don't answer that, I think I know my life has changed, and not because of today either, I am terrified that I will never find my "true calling" but there's only one way to start, he surgery got me away from my last job, but a new one would do me good. There are a couple barn help ads in the paper, and as always spruce meadows is hiring though if I were to be a groom there I would have to live there as well, which might turn out to be a good thing for me. Working with animals may not sound like the best way to get in contact with people but its a beginning.
I think it is with a little reluctance that I must admit my stepfather offered me a job, it would be good money, I wuold make over 150.00 a day, but it would require around 3 hours or more of driving a day for work I wouldn't care for, working for a man who offered me a job because he needed it filled and he didn't think I would find a job on my own. It hurts the pride a little but I have to tell myself the truth, I can not rely on my mother forever, and I loved living on my own when I did it, but I became on of the boomerang people, that my sociology teacher talked about, alas but I cannot change it now, but I can get ready to go out on my own once more.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
When is goodbye really goodbye?
I don't know how many of you know this or care; but at the beginning this was to be a blog apart from my journal to which my boyfriend could read. But alas he hasn't been mine for going on 4 months now. Tonight I officially told him that I never wanted to talk to him again. It was a lot easier then you think. In the beginning he talked about how he still wanted to be friends and how much I still meant to him, which was aherant from the fact that he's still dating the girl he left me for. But that's not why I'm writing this really, I'm not going to brood over him and our relationship, as much as reflect upon when I should have left him and when he should have taken the hint to leave me alone.
In the beginning our relationship was very much the touchy feely way most peoples are at the start, coming from a world where P.D.A (public displays of affection) were thought of as gross and horridly ineffective, it is strange how well I took to it. We started dating probably because a) it was summer and b) no one else was here which alone makes me wonder why we dated for so long. Not added to that is the fact that I was moving away for school. Actually the night of my birthday I had tried dumping him but he clung to me and started crying, so as the mere thought of doing it made me abashed.
Even then I clung to the hopes that it was just a summer fling, wishing for all that I was worth he would find someone else to lavish his attention on and I would be free. I even went as far as to suggest we date other people or be just merely friends with benefits. But he was quite adamant that it wouldn't work so I spent the first year of my university education at home waiting diligently for him to come online, while I drive a 5 hour round trip every weekend to be with him. He didn't quite share my dlilgence however and I spent most of my life waiting for him when he wasn't coming. Go figure. Another reason I should have let him go, but you may not be aware that I am stubborn and only missed one weekend away from him.
Everyday we talked and I enjoyed the pampering really and fell for him more. He was always a very flirtatious guy and I always knew it but him spending so much time with girls, when I felt guilty hanging around with anyone for fear I had missed him, or that he might feel I would rather be with other people then him always sent me running home, to turn on the computer, and wait for hours till he made his appearance though I don't understand what made me feel obliged to do so. When I found myself less concerned with school then him that should have been another sign. I will not blame him for my schoolwork but it is hard to accomplish anything when I spent my weekends in the car or with him. I flunked out of my first year, not something uncommon but something which angered me all the same.
When summer came I moved back to be with him more and true to my word I spent every available moment with him. I got a job, with long hours pretty much 7 days a week but it paid good money, with lots of overtime. I could have afforded an apartment rent for a whole year off of what I was making. But he complained about never seeing me and I quit reluctantly because he couldn't bear to see me so tired. While he was contemplating moving away to a job more stressful then mine. That should have been another sign.
During my Christmas vacation while I was in school he had some family friends come over from englad, the oldest one Harriet was relentless in her pursuit of him. So much so that I had to leave because the mere sight sickened me. He did not stop her pursuits even when I was there and that torn up feeling should have been enough to tell me he wasn't worth it. But she went away, and he told me that they had been an item before she moved away though he never really labeled it as dating "we use to sit in my basement and make out that was it" that should have been another sign, especially once he started telling me about all the girls he had been with and pointing out places they had "done stuff" he assured me that I was the first for a lot of stuff but I came to him smelling of summer, if you know what I mean, I had never even kissed a guy. That should have been another sign.
I think myself an idiot girl looking back pledging myself to him, while he did the same though obviously it meant nothing to him, I told him that I was his and he said he was mine, but that's when the other girl came in. This girl was the best friend to one of my closer friends and the fact that she liked him never escaped me though he played ignorance. However by that time I had dated him for about 10 months and he didn't seem to pose much of a threat but she started hitting on him more and more while I was around and he would put her in situations where she only knew him ad would cling to him for dear life. Should have been more then a good enough sign. He told me he'd stop it, he never did the like till the day before he dumped me.
The last weeks of our relationship were unhappy, he treated me like I didn't exist, kept pulling away saying that people were uncomfortable, but he would happily hug the other girl. And then it was over. I am happier about that then many would know, well now looking back.
Two weeks after he dumped me he started dating the other girl, and had asked me to still be friends with him and that lent me to the privilege of knowing how much he hung out with her. The day he told me they were dating I screamed at him through my tears (yes the ice bitch can cry) and I hung up on him because more then anything I needed to nurse my wounds and rage against him in privacy, but he kept calling back and I hung up on him two more times till he was swearing at me and yelling. I should have known better. Why are they allowed to treat us thus?
I tried the friend thing but everything I was with him he'd tell me he still cared about me, and would brag about what we did together, intimately. Stuff no one should have been privy to but the jerk kept mentioning things and that would anger me because I was not his anymore and those were not his stories to tell. I grew bitter and soon couldn't handle the sound of his voice when he called me but I would do what he asked like a good girl. Go and hang out with him and stuff but I would start getting angry at him before I knew it and it just wasn't pleasant.
He called me one night and his first words were "this has to fucking stop" he was yelling, my family was trying to sleep but I couldn't help getting mad and soon I was being a little louder then I should have been. He asked if my whole family was in the room with me and I told him they weren't though I don't' doubt they heard my whole side of the conversation. It was later then I should have talked on the phone by the time I told him I was going to bed and hung up on him, but it was more that I was tired of him yelling at me and swearing. No one deserves that. He started messaging me after asking if 'I was ever going to talk to him again and making out like he had done nothing wrong. It went on for two weeks and this was the first I responded to him and told him I would never like to talk to him again. Taking offense he said he still had feelings for me and made me out to be the bad guy because he still wanted to be friends. He had said that before and I had always said yeah we'll be friends because I wanted to avoid being the one who broke off our friendship, but it was really over when he dumped me for her.
I'm sure you all would like to know they're still dating, onto their 4th month I believe. She is as I was, ready to drop her life for him and I hope she gets out alive as I did. Because no man who can achieve such loyalty and who is that close to the female kind no matter if he is taken is worth anyone's troubles. At least he is no longer mine to worry about, and I will never shed another tear for him, though I will attend his funeral and probably his wedding if I can to do my duty because if nothing else I am diligent on that account.
In the beginning our relationship was very much the touchy feely way most peoples are at the start, coming from a world where P.D.A (public displays of affection) were thought of as gross and horridly ineffective, it is strange how well I took to it. We started dating probably because a) it was summer and b) no one else was here which alone makes me wonder why we dated for so long. Not added to that is the fact that I was moving away for school. Actually the night of my birthday I had tried dumping him but he clung to me and started crying, so as the mere thought of doing it made me abashed.
Even then I clung to the hopes that it was just a summer fling, wishing for all that I was worth he would find someone else to lavish his attention on and I would be free. I even went as far as to suggest we date other people or be just merely friends with benefits. But he was quite adamant that it wouldn't work so I spent the first year of my university education at home waiting diligently for him to come online, while I drive a 5 hour round trip every weekend to be with him. He didn't quite share my dlilgence however and I spent most of my life waiting for him when he wasn't coming. Go figure. Another reason I should have let him go, but you may not be aware that I am stubborn and only missed one weekend away from him.
Everyday we talked and I enjoyed the pampering really and fell for him more. He was always a very flirtatious guy and I always knew it but him spending so much time with girls, when I felt guilty hanging around with anyone for fear I had missed him, or that he might feel I would rather be with other people then him always sent me running home, to turn on the computer, and wait for hours till he made his appearance though I don't understand what made me feel obliged to do so. When I found myself less concerned with school then him that should have been another sign. I will not blame him for my schoolwork but it is hard to accomplish anything when I spent my weekends in the car or with him. I flunked out of my first year, not something uncommon but something which angered me all the same.
When summer came I moved back to be with him more and true to my word I spent every available moment with him. I got a job, with long hours pretty much 7 days a week but it paid good money, with lots of overtime. I could have afforded an apartment rent for a whole year off of what I was making. But he complained about never seeing me and I quit reluctantly because he couldn't bear to see me so tired. While he was contemplating moving away to a job more stressful then mine. That should have been another sign.
During my Christmas vacation while I was in school he had some family friends come over from englad, the oldest one Harriet was relentless in her pursuit of him. So much so that I had to leave because the mere sight sickened me. He did not stop her pursuits even when I was there and that torn up feeling should have been enough to tell me he wasn't worth it. But she went away, and he told me that they had been an item before she moved away though he never really labeled it as dating "we use to sit in my basement and make out that was it" that should have been another sign, especially once he started telling me about all the girls he had been with and pointing out places they had "done stuff" he assured me that I was the first for a lot of stuff but I came to him smelling of summer, if you know what I mean, I had never even kissed a guy. That should have been another sign.
I think myself an idiot girl looking back pledging myself to him, while he did the same though obviously it meant nothing to him, I told him that I was his and he said he was mine, but that's when the other girl came in. This girl was the best friend to one of my closer friends and the fact that she liked him never escaped me though he played ignorance. However by that time I had dated him for about 10 months and he didn't seem to pose much of a threat but she started hitting on him more and more while I was around and he would put her in situations where she only knew him ad would cling to him for dear life. Should have been more then a good enough sign. He told me he'd stop it, he never did the like till the day before he dumped me.
The last weeks of our relationship were unhappy, he treated me like I didn't exist, kept pulling away saying that people were uncomfortable, but he would happily hug the other girl. And then it was over. I am happier about that then many would know, well now looking back.
Two weeks after he dumped me he started dating the other girl, and had asked me to still be friends with him and that lent me to the privilege of knowing how much he hung out with her. The day he told me they were dating I screamed at him through my tears (yes the ice bitch can cry) and I hung up on him because more then anything I needed to nurse my wounds and rage against him in privacy, but he kept calling back and I hung up on him two more times till he was swearing at me and yelling. I should have known better. Why are they allowed to treat us thus?
I tried the friend thing but everything I was with him he'd tell me he still cared about me, and would brag about what we did together, intimately. Stuff no one should have been privy to but the jerk kept mentioning things and that would anger me because I was not his anymore and those were not his stories to tell. I grew bitter and soon couldn't handle the sound of his voice when he called me but I would do what he asked like a good girl. Go and hang out with him and stuff but I would start getting angry at him before I knew it and it just wasn't pleasant.
He called me one night and his first words were "this has to fucking stop" he was yelling, my family was trying to sleep but I couldn't help getting mad and soon I was being a little louder then I should have been. He asked if my whole family was in the room with me and I told him they weren't though I don't' doubt they heard my whole side of the conversation. It was later then I should have talked on the phone by the time I told him I was going to bed and hung up on him, but it was more that I was tired of him yelling at me and swearing. No one deserves that. He started messaging me after asking if 'I was ever going to talk to him again and making out like he had done nothing wrong. It went on for two weeks and this was the first I responded to him and told him I would never like to talk to him again. Taking offense he said he still had feelings for me and made me out to be the bad guy because he still wanted to be friends. He had said that before and I had always said yeah we'll be friends because I wanted to avoid being the one who broke off our friendship, but it was really over when he dumped me for her.
I'm sure you all would like to know they're still dating, onto their 4th month I believe. She is as I was, ready to drop her life for him and I hope she gets out alive as I did. Because no man who can achieve such loyalty and who is that close to the female kind no matter if he is taken is worth anyone's troubles. At least he is no longer mine to worry about, and I will never shed another tear for him, though I will attend his funeral and probably his wedding if I can to do my duty because if nothing else I am diligent on that account.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Well maybe not written in a while but ohwell
Hey all I am here writtin just a couple weeks after my birthday, needless to say I have and haven't been a busy girl. I had surgery to have my galbladder removed something about stones and pain but man am I happy that is over. I have also finished the song of ice and fire (well whats avalible) for quite possibly the 6th time. Not like I'm obsessed or anything at least I don't have the games (yet). Am waiting ever so eagerly for a feast for crows, was nearly excited enough to realise it would be out in less then a month *does annoyingly happy dance*. I would have a party for it but alas I lack the social support to host my own.... I wonder if there will be a huge party like for hp (I'm not a harry potter person myself but I should really read all the books some day soon). I've conimplated having the new book delivered but I feel it would really take too long, as I am impatient and I will have to buy it the 8th. Oh my god... what happens if they don't order any copies at chapters... oh I'm sure they will wont they? EEEP! and why did I start such a long series? Robert Jordans wheel of time or soemthing sits on my bed but I haven't so much as chewed on it yet.
Yeah the person I was kinda writting this blog for desided to be a prick and dump me because he was "bored with me"... fucking bastard. That and he found some girl who is needless to say much less prettier then me to replace me with, during the last part of our "relationship" sure I miss the gooey kissey stuff though for record no one heard me say that but really it is the sex I miss most, not that it was ever great mind you. Oh well. What else is new, I guess I really never told cha'll about me but you have time I'm sure. lol
Yeah the person I was kinda writting this blog for desided to be a prick and dump me because he was "bored with me"... fucking bastard. That and he found some girl who is needless to say much less prettier then me to replace me with, during the last part of our "relationship" sure I miss the gooey kissey stuff though for record no one heard me say that but really it is the sex I miss most, not that it was ever great mind you. Oh well. What else is new, I guess I really never told cha'll about me but you have time I'm sure. lol
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