hurt

I don't know where to start. Firstly let me say there will be no editing of this post as per normal. After all this is a place for my thoughts to really roam and anything and everything that crosses my mind seems to find its way into my fingers and out onto this electric screen. This is my place where nothing I say is wrong because it is for me and me alone. but then would I have gone into that entire explanation if I had not pictured someone else reading this? The person that seems to be in my thoughts almost every waking moment perhaps? I do not know if having him read this or telling him myself would be easier inviting him to this place is intimidating because I am candid here; knowing that nothing I write will ever truly see the light of day of be read by any that might know me. Granted of course that my last entry was almost a year ago. My journal still sees more use then this high tech space because focusing on the act of writing controls part of myself where as typing id much more free and quicker as well allowing for a more natural flow.

This post is a darkness in me something I have been fighting my whole life to control. And the reason I want him to read this or hear it from me is quite simply because I want him to understand as much of me as I can show him. It would be easier for him to reads this because crying while I type and where he can't hear me sob is easier and while I may be trying to not repress these emotions I would still rather not break in front of him yet. I would normally be mentioning how such displays are weakness and must be squashed and how strong I am. This is no longer the person I wish to be. When I am sad I want to be sad when I am happy I want to truly be happy unabashedly so and when I am morose I want to be happy! The following will be a sad story about a little girl who I am/am not, and will be very much the real me. The person whom no one knows not the nearest or dearest to my heart. That is the person I want him to see and judge because it is not fair to ask someone to love me without seeing the worst or best part of me (after all it is open to interpretation). I will not be apologizing for any of this because it is already done and there is nothing to apologize for not even the crying!

To begin with I'll describe the person who has made me who I am for better or for worse. My father was born Charles Arthur Pitt, he was the 3rd of 4 boys. There is a temper on my fathers side of the family that varies very much from person to person. My fathers anger was sharp but controlled I was never spanked for anything I did not deserve. In tandem with my grandmother he was the one who taught me control over crying his favorite saying on the subject as far as I can recall was always "if you don't stop crying I will give you something to cry about". It was because of this I earned to cry in private when no one was around. I shared a room with my sister while we were living with my grandmother and when I was sad because I missed my mother or upset because I was picked on that day or any other reason she was the only one who could possibly hear me cry myself to sleep. Tears in private do not hurt anyone and they cannot be used to hurt others, they are silent racking sobs that never find a voice. This does not paint a solid picture of my father I am afraid. He was a good man who truly loved his daughters and would do anything for them. He spent countless hours teaching me math or writing or any number of things. There was no one he would not help if they needed it and people genuinely respected him and he had a good many friends though he was careful to bring them home. I loved my father more then I have every loved anyone I was always trying to impress him even if there were times I was afraid of him. He saw me truly and honestly and he never treated my sister better then he treated me. There was never a time that I felt I couldn't rely on him being there.

When I was 10 I missed my mother enough to ask him if we could spend the summer up north with her because in the 2 years we had been in the pass I had seen my mother for a month or so and he could not say no. When that school year started I asked if we could stay for the year since we had spent two with him. My parents were gearing up for a large custody battle over us. My grandmother had told me this and she had told me that my father was saving money for a lawyer so he could be our custodial guardian she used that and his love for us to try to guilt me into living with him before we moved up north.

I don't remember the night very well when we got the call. I heard the phone ring and my mom pick it up but I promptly fell back asleep. It was close to three in the morning I think when she came into the room and told me that my father had been in an accident and that he had died. The next thing I remember is my mother, sister and I sitting in a circle on her bed passing my cat around as we cried. Everything after that until we got to the night before the funeral is a blur. I remember my mother playing the role of the grief stricken widow to a man to which a week before she would have yelled at over the phone. Her attention was entirely diverted from me at least, her baby was the one whom received most of her crying hugs while I watched wide eyed and startled. I was hurt and confused and when they wanted us to go in for the viewing I refused to go fearing that if I saw him lying there it would become real and not just a story they were telling me. No one seemed to really care except for my uncle Tim who I will always be eternally grateful. He argued with coerced and generally would not give up on me and he convinced me to go.

My sister and I both wrote letters to him that we gave to a friend of the family to place in his coffin. I remember looking in and seeing him. It didn't seem to really be him it didn't look like he was just sleeping it looked like someone had made a TV show prop and placed it where my father was suppose to be. The likeness seemed uncanny but it didn't feel real. The following morning was the funeral. I sat in the front row my body was there but I was floating in a sea of comforting fog. For a while I even convinced myself that I hadn't cried at all though every time I looked at his picture in front of the coffin tears slid down my face in an impossibly long cascade. I did not hear the words that were said or see the people around me. I did not sob my shoulders did not shake I sat still an 11year old porcelain doll with tears streaming down her face. Looking back as hard as this was for me I can't remember what my sister was doing, and that guilt might be with me until I die. That I was so lost in my own grief that I might have forgotten to comfort my own 9year old sister.

I tried to use words and poetry to let go of the hurt I was feeling but the right words never seemed to be there and it was useless so instead I started drawing I think in the week or two that we were down there I must have gone through about a 100 pages or drawings of my dad and horses and anything else. I was terrified that if I stopped drawing him I would forget his face, and then I would forget him and I would loose a part of me. The fog that had enveloped me the first and last time I saw his body permeated to my core until I could barely fee anything and even the strongest grief was muted and distant though it still hurt and was a hollow ache that would never fill.

I lived in the "zombie" mind for far too long it persisted for almost a year blinding me and saving me, broken apart by fierce bouts of anger that were unpredictable as fierce squalls. I could barely see people or things as my days came and went. My mother started seeing a psychiatrist and started taking me so that I would have one less day a week in school because I was barely there at all to begin with. I would sit outside the office and watch Disney movies while my mom talked to her doctor. I only talked with that lady a couple times for brief periods I could never tell you what I told her it might have been about my mother but I don't think I could handle talking about my father broaching the subject ed to complete and utter shut down. The same year my mother lost her job because the mine was shutting down. We were forced to move to a city I was born in but had never lived. I made a friend and then before I knew it I had a group of friends and we were tight and they were a place to be free from it all because they didn't know. I started to emerge from the barren wasteland that had held my mind in silence and deep darkness. I had always looked out for my sister, riding on the bus with her, playing with her and the like but I had never really had to take care of her before and with my mom working it became my job to be her second mother.

I took her to school made sure she did her homework helped her out as much as I could and basically spent almost all of my time with her. When my mom met Rod (who had two girls) I started taking time for myself I would walk them home throw on my backpack and just ride my bike for a few hours, come home make dinner do homework go to bed and do it all over again. The library was one of my favorite refuges. That is where I started to be the person I am today my father gave me the two greatest pleasures in my life. He was the one who was stubborn enough to make me read until I loved it and he sang almost more then I do and with his inspiration I learned to play the trumpet (which he had played in high school) and then when it was needed I learned the french horn which became a major part of my life for a good while.

Since his death I have always kept people at a distance. No one has really been close to me since his death, people are more comfortable with a bubbly happy go lucky Alison that jokes and has a deft had at turning away the more intimate questions. It is not my nature to lie to people but conveniently directing a conversation in another direction is a different skill all together or answering a question without truly answering it. I have not been to his grave since he was buried and no one has cared enough to do more then mention it. I did not express my grief for his loss I buried it deep so much so that I would never have to let someone see me cry for him again. I feel like I was alone in my grieving for him and when people used to tell me they were sorry for my loss the insincerity of it all would leave a foul taste in my mouth. I was not shown how to grieve properly and it did not feel as if there was anyone to comfort me. I became a tougher person for it.

When we moved again I lost the friends that I had grown attached to, I kept my head down and let the days pass me by. I met people who seemed interchangeable and when someone got too close I would push them away knowing that they would not be in my life forever and feeling that if I drove them away it would save me from being hurt later. When I met someone who I started seeing a future with he mentally started abusing me and ended up leaving me for someone who we had been fighting about for two months. I was concerned about her interest in him and he used my insecurities to say that I did not trust him and then he would send her love e-mails behind my back and spend "personal" time with her while I was at work. I will never know if he cheated on me nor would it bother me now. After we broke up he went to extensive lengths to continue to hurt me. My self esteem was lost and being with him had buried most of the identity I had found. Thoughts turned dark and if I had not felt that it was purely selfish suicide would have been a good option. One that I had considered quite thoroughly before rejecting.

I see myself in pieces not unlike shiny baubles in a mucky stream, when I write I feel an inane connection with my mind and the soft person at my core. When I hold a pencil I feel an exacting nature but work almost freely by feel. If I see something beautiful if its the mountains or the light hitting something in just the right way I am surrounded by an inner calm and my heart sings. When those moments recede I'm lost again. You cannot love someone you cannot find. Sometimes if I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I'm shocked at a fleeting beauty but when I look closely all I see are flaws and what could be changed. It is easier to give my love to someone else, they seemingly have less flaws. I don't know where to start, if I do the things I enjoy will it make me love myself or will it just make me feel better for a short while like a band-aid? There needs to be a way for me to start believing compliments instead of shrugging them off. Perhaps being the one to give them will make them seem more sincere?

living in the now and feeling the past

there is a book out there called living in the now, I have never read this book but I have had the principals explained to me several times by more then one person. Essentially this book tells you not to dwell in the past or live for the future but focus on being content in the moment. generally speaking I am a fan of this concept but there is one fatal flaw that is readily apparent to me. Our past defines who we are and the decisions we make and though spending our entire lives obsessed with the past is not a good thing if we forget where we came from and the defining moments in our lives we loose touch with the person we are and the people and journey we had along the way to becoming the person we are today. At least that's the way I see it and if we don't take time to revel in our memories we will forget them in much the same way we loose concentration with anything we can't see. It is very hard not to think about the past especially the silly things that you did or the stupid comments that you make that make you seem like more of an ass then you know you are.

if I could I might even live in the past in a place where my dad is still alive and hot cocoa is really the only thing you need on a cold day to feel better and your case of the Mondays is limited to there not being any good cartoons on. If I could go back even less time then that to when I was still in high school even if I couldn't do anything differently I think I would take the opportunity. But if we start time travailing to the times that made us happy are we missing out on the ones that make us happy? I suppose that of you think about all your fond memories you might miss out on the ones you are currently making. After all it is hard to appreciate things when they are happening because they truly don't seem special until you use that infamous retrospection. Is this right now a time that in ten years I will think back on and believe was truly better then it actually is? Does the passage of time put a golden veneer on our past lives? If so then how are we to truly appreciate what is happening when we know that our present outlook will never be as good as we remember it? Perhaps that is one of the things that is suppose to motivate us to keep going that things could always get worse or better with the passage of time. Or perhaps it is the only thing that truly makes us happy because we always remember more about the good things then the bad. It might be the only thing keeping people from steering into traffic or jumping out the window. After all if life is truly going to remain this lackluster we might as well end it shouldn't we?

I don't necessarily believe that suicide is a truly viable option not if I have my boys to make me feel needed. Sometimes I wonder if they are the only thing besides my pride that keep me from doing the things I see in my mind when I see a semi approaching or the sharp gleam of a knife. Because without them there really isn't a reason for me to be here. My life barely touches upon those of the people around me and while people might be sad for the first while I don't believe people would truly remember me for who I am after all I don't exotically let people get that close but perhaps that is one of my many flaws. Hopefully it makes me endearing to someone out there because no matter how much I deny it I truly care what people out there think even if I try not to let them see it. but I should sleep

ciao

old and new

So it has been ages since I have even thought of blogging and being 2 years I am not sure how to sufficiently update my blog without talking about things I don't particularly want to. I have kept up my journal however this being an electronic age I suppose I should start at least making random attempts at haring my life and less personal details onto the world wide Internet. I have made ridiculous bad mistakes one of which includes dating not only someone from work but someone in a supervisor position. Being that we are both adult the termination of this relationship did not really effect my work life even though the lines did cross and it became popular speculation from what I understand. He was in some ways a nice guy but in others he is kind of a douche and yes I spelled that right the first time. After all it does seem that all men are either douches or assholes so where can a girl get a nice uncomplicated dick? seems to me the only ones worth pursuing in my current state of mind are the kinds made of synthetic rubbers. I do however wish that my body would agree with me after all every time I see something even remotely male something kicks into high gear and I try hard to fight it but the thoughts push into my head. I think sometimes it would be easier if I could love women the way I love men. I don't think there is nothing wrong with that kind of relationship and women are a lot more good looking then men though more often then not I find they just can't compare to the male female attraction and I might not really be the one to say for sure being that I have never truly been more then friends with girls but there is that moderate interest. Perhaps one day I shall try it I mean after all what do I have to loose? Truthfully I will be skipping that whole endeavor for at least a little while yet as my cards have told me to wait and I am more then inclined to listen to them for a little while at least.

I now have a chocolate lab and a sheltie I think I had already posted about Chester but my new boy is Mackeroy and he's a giant suck and mommas boy though I need to put some serious work into him to keep him from being a little too aggressive with the puling and growling. After a while he warms up to people just like Chester does. If I could go back in time and change any series of events in my own life what would I change? quite honestly there are my immediate reactions but if I really thought about it would I change anything I mean my life though not amazingly great is pretty good for the most part I have no real complaints. I have my own place which not fabulous is mine and only mine, I have two good boys who keep me busy and really make life worth living. I have a Job that is not wonderful but pays my bills and mortgage. There is not really much that is lacking in my life and I might slip into the rut quite easily and comfortably but as long as I still get to do some of the things I like to do I'm set. I mean really if you can do the things you enjoy doing its hard not to live a happy life.

Granted there are times that I do despair but they come and go with the seasons and the hormones. after all what kind of female would I be if I couldn't blame the hormones at least some of the time? Did you know I still type like an old woman? I use three of my fingers on my right hand when I type but only one on my left? what is up with that shit? its kind of weird isn't it? I don't know my left hand kind of freezes up and I just can't move it like my left it is kind of frustrating. I would be much more efficient if all my fingers worked in tandem. but I'm going to bed

ciao

why me?

So whats new with me? the random thought doesn't inspire much discussion unfortunately insofar as I can figure my life never really seems to change much but at the same time I find that I forget to mention things in my journal and blog because at the time I think they're pretty normal or not really worth writing about. But what movement in my life has warranted writing in my blog? because if I'm going to be frank with myself I only really write when I'm sufficiently bored or when I'm emotional. So what is it today? I know the answer as with being the grace of composing such an entry it would be odd if I wasn't completely god like in my knowledge. I'm sad of all things, I've been struggling with a couple common thoughts that seems to spring every once in a while, what I've done to those around me, self pity, and of course the empty feeling of being single without the initiative to change it. And though I might at time sound like a completely emo 13 year old I can assure you this and my actual written journal are the only places I limit myself exploring those feelings.

So where do I start in explaining myself? I guess I could start with the thing that's bothering me the most. There is a guy I work with who decided to have an infatuation with me (I know you find that hard to believe) the first time he asked me for my number I kinda got the deer in the headlights look until I recovered my Witt's, which thankfully wasn't that long. After all being a young female of this generation if I don't have wit as my first line of defense then I've got nothing. So to start I gave him my e-mail because he insisted on wanting to get to know me better and I would be damned if he meant sleeping with me because he's not like that and anyone who knows me can figure that I don't do that without sufficient reason. But anyways I figured e-mail was easy relatively harmless and it would postpone me having to turn him down and after all it wasn't as personal as a number.

Here I was with a couple e-mail following shortly after I tried being myself friendly and slightly distant and I think this was really my downfall, Why I gave him my e-mail in the first place is beyond me after all I have rules against this sort of thing. But I don't think I felt I could really say know. And then he invited me for coffee/brunch... brunch which I thought was safe because it is still informal enough not to be called a date and at a time of day where you can go your own separate ways without too much hassle and awkwardness... that is until I found out how nice the place he took me to was. I don't really want to relive the time we spent together, I was fighting to uphold conversation and the pretence that I was not on a date. And as successful as I thought I was I guess I didn't carry it off very well considering that I paid for myself even though he didn't want me too. And at the goodbye I shouldn't have let him walk me to the car I shouldn't have but he didn't touch me (as per my keeping away from him) and at the insistence of another outing I was vague and I had rather hoped clear on my reluctance.

You think that after I tell someone that I'm 10 years younger then them their interests would wane slightly especially if I keep myself at new friend distance. I managed to keep e-mails sparse and short, but somehow I got backed into a place where It was difficult to say no and before you know it we were out again. To a play thing anyways it was a comedy he didn't laugh once it was tense and I was in a bad mood and damned if I was going to carry the conversation by myself. so things were so bad I almost left but my pride and training bade me to wait it out and then give him an even brisker farewell then before. Did I feel bad? not until I got the e-mail where he was apologising, and what did I do in my ignorance reassured him it wasn't that bad and then said something about being friends.

Very frustrating indeed. So about 6 or 7 or 8 months go by and I don't talk to him, I wave when I see him at work as per the we'll be friends thought. And then one day out of the blue he says something about us going out. Well lets face it by now I have a boyfriend who I happen to like a lot and I tell him so. I don't think he really believed me when I told him, Maybe he thought it was just a line to tell him no. But however it happens my answer is another clear we're just friends. So another month goes by things with the new boyfriend are falling apart a little but I'm still holding onto the relationship and my birthday comes up. And I do quite possibly the most naive thing in the world. He bought me flowers and books for my birthday, and brought them to me before work one day. I was angry and running late (go figure) but what do you do? I looked at him and sighed towards the building it wouldn't be the first time I've ever been late. So I told him he shouldn't have given me anything and tried to make the stern face/eye contact. He seemed embarrassed and I felt guilty so when he asked if I would take them I said OK because out of the two evils I felt this the lesser one.

And so it came to pass he started writing me e-mails and sending me love songs and I got furious, though I didn't try to show it to him instead of using rough words I tried uncomfortable and other such round ended sentences finishing of course with the I said I just want to be friends. Now of course he goes quiet and doesn't talk to me... so I waited out some of the sulking and then when it seemed to be abating slightly I started trying to say hi to him at work again in a friendly way, after all I treat him like everyone else at work. and then I get this e-mail saying how much I hurt him and now he's doing mellow dramatic things and says he doesn't want to talk to me and such when all I've ever tried to do was spare his feelings. I've tried being understanding about this but now I feel horrid and I don't know what to think or say. Should I have lowered myself into being his girlfriend when I knew better or should I have laughed at him when he asked me for my number? the amount of times I let him down gently as I could you think he might have gotten the signal... or maybe the first time friend entered the conversation so where really did I fuck it all up?at least I never touched him let alone kissed him because who knows where I would be. Not that I ever felt the slightest impulse to do so. Perhaps there's the fault.

1408

OK, so yes needless to say this post may contain spoilers for those of you who haven';t seen the movie yet but It's bugging me and I have to get it off my chest :P

I went to this movie with Debbie, a friend from work and I couldn't help pointing all this stuff out. Bad me! lol well lets start from somewhere near the beginning. So we're introduced to the main character, a cynical author who writes about ghosts and haunted mansions, a great idea love it. But yeah so we're in a diner after he checks out of his latest and greatest stay and what song should naturally come over the radio but "I just need someplace to lay my head..." and so on a such forth, and the giggling begins! shortly after that the audience is shown a post card and the main character being the genius that he is points out that 1+4+8=13... but what they didn't tell you was that the address of the hotel itself adds to the same number, which is significant for any of you who have read the gunslinger series. Also There is something written I can't remember where but it said "the wolves killed me on the turnpike" paraphrasing because it was only on the screen for a couple of seconds towards the beginning of the movie, another throwback to the dark tower series, the giggling continues. Mind you I've only seen the movie once and this is the tip of the iceberg as far as I'm concerned of some of the things I noticed. My head is spinning trying to look for more at the moment. I was almost expecting him to stop and look at a rose before entering the building. After all he is in new york, y not. I have a sneaking suspicion that the address of the hotel probably syncs up with something in the series as well, but I'm not entirely sure. Does anyone remember the hotel room Susannah stayed in before she gave birth? goodness, the joy of it all! I'm going to have to reread the series, and actually read 1408 before I buy the movie. After all I should brush up on some more stephen king I suppose. I loved the movie it was creepy as hell without being all hack and slash. I mean seriously a horror movie that about more then killing the main character? impossible, it is a wonderful throwback to the days when movies had much more of an evil undercurrent and filled you with adrenalin as apposed to people just wanting to scream about the stupid blonde running up the stairs (where there's no escape) in high heels. from the foreshadowing ("burm me alive" being carved into the brick) to the less subtle things like the first dead mans name... hint hint though actually not a book I've read. it really just has so much little stuff for you to catch I doubt I'll ever get bored watching it. Even if I expect the hatchet swinging lunatic to keep popping back up.

A long time

So it's been a long time since I've posted huh? well here's whats up. My mom's still having a little problem with bleeding but its definetly not as bad as it was, I moved out and am now happily living outside of calgary. Even if I am now trailer trash. But you know what I don't mind at all. Its bigger then an apartment, cheaper and I have a huge ass lawn! thats right its awsome. I can't wait till its warm enough to put in a garden. I'm thinking of asking grandma up to help me with that. There's going to be bleeeding hearts, columbine and heck everything I ever wanted lol. I have a job that pays relatiely well, I'm not getting ahead too fast but I'm keeeping up with bills and the like so its not too shabby. Granted its in a warehouse, but even that I don't mind. The guys I work with are great and I have as much fun as I can. Even though I have to admit I miss chapters every now and again.

I got a puppy, did I tell you? well, chester is a now almost 9 month pup. He's a little sheltie with all the spunk you could want. He wakes me up in the morning keeps me company and in general makes me want to laugh all the time. Even if he is still destroying everything I own. For the past 5 or so months I've been browsing websites, and I went to the pet expo. But I am having a hard time finding the right other dog to fill out my place. Not that there aren't many dogs out there, its just finding the right one. I don't think I want a puppy, someone housetrained would be nice. I don't mind older dogs, but I don't want someone who I will only have for a year or two. There's this gorgeous collie at the cochrane humane but I haven't been in to see her yet. She's 8 so that would be another 7 years or so, which would be fine. I still have to meet her first though. Calgary humane doesn't seem to have any I would like but I have to go there before I can officially say that right? There's a greyhound rescue in calgary and I would be totally ok with getting a dog from there, but I want someone to go offleashing with us a go hiking and swimming and all that other fun stuf I wanna do this summer. Not that I'm deluding myself. I know that come weekend I don't always want to do stuff, and in truth I want someone who is just ok lounging about the house or playing with chester. Size doesn't really factor into it all all big or small I like them all. lol

worries and health

My mother has gone into the emergency ward today, for the last couple of months she hasn't had her period, and then a couple days ago the gusher released and thats what it has been ever since, today she went into a clinic to see a doctor and the sent her to the emergency ward in a different hospital, she has been waiting for almost 7 hours or so in the emerg ward, waiting for a bed and I haven't heard anything for nearly an hour as to how she's doing or if they have infact found her a bed yet. Its all very stressful, and the best you can do is hold your breath and hope for the best. There wont be news until tomarrow I'm afraid.

I've been house hunting and with very little sucess but at the moment its only a buzz in the background for my anxiety, I hae found a job, nothing interesting. I will probably tell you more about it on my first day. My sister graduates in a few days and I hope my mom is set up and out of the hospital by then. life is fucking shit!

Night elves and updates

So I have to admit I don't write in ym blog often, and when I do its more a rant then anything, however I felt you might want something relatively recent. Times at the moment are a bit of a turmoil, my mother and stepfather are going to be moving soon, putting me in a possition where I have to move out of course. Not that I mind its been on my list fior a while now. In order to move out howevere i need to get a better paying job and everything seems to be happening so fast, I'm not as scared as I used to be, but it does come in waves, I worry that I wont get a job to support myself and will end up living on the streets but then again I know I have enough money saved up to keep me out of trouble for a while. I just wish I could get a reply to the resumes I have sent off thus far. It seems to be taking forever. Oh well

old friends

I would ask at this point if you ever had riends you only hung out with ocassionally, but then that would only be me whose like that. But anyways my friend is leaving for england soon and I thought I would get together with her and a couple friends, a small get together to wish her well before she left and yadda yadda yadda, the other girl we invited though decided it would be better if she invited people that neither me nor tonia really hung out with; needless to say I wasn't impressed to begin with. But as things went on I began to realise how they acted, and it almost appaled me, they still treated each other like they were in high school, actually they were a little less mature then that. Of course logically from there I began to wonder why they hadn't changed and I had, perhaps I had seen and done more? It couldn't be, after all I'm a shut in that does virtually nothing all day, and I work at a job where being chipper is the key, but it is far from mature.

Another reason perhaps that I had stopped hanging out with them? it was hardly refreshing to have them talk about alcohol so fondly, and bad driving almost as much so. I just don't get it.

the void

I have once more found myself sitting at the computer wanting desperately to do someting. Not something worhtwile, not something that will change my life in any way but I want there to be anything to make my life better for that one moment of respite from a life that though I don't despise, I cannot get excited about. As with most in the world I find that one thought weighing heavy on my shoulders, something dragging me down and keeping me well, here of all places. Sometimes I wish I could isolate what makes my heart ache and kill it as violently as I wish I could kill Scott, but don't give up hope on me yet. The name does not rouse that bitterness I use to feel nor does it make me want to give up as it once did, the magic that was in the name has gone and I do not lament its passing. Even though I can say that there are moments when I still wish I could drag him down by the troat and make his life hell on earth. But what brings me to this senseless land that is my blog?

Even I cannot tell you that, I hope as I do evertime I send something into cyber space that someone would read it and see the real me, undrestand where I'm coming from and just know me. There is always that self loathing that is incured when I notice that I need anothers aproval, or that I want there to be someone I know cannot exist, after all for all the times I say people don't know me I push someone else away and make myself alone, a state I truely love most of the time. Sure there is the ocassion where I want to meet that perfect person for me, but I think I have given up hope, I don't particularily have the means to carry out a relationship after all.

Promises

It has been quite a while since I have found the energy or the inspiration to post. Actually I've been meaning to for a while after all this is a safe place to put all the things I don't want to deal with, send them into the void as it were. No one gets hurt and I don't bottle anything in. Its weird all considered, this is the only place where I don't look at the keyboard when I type. I guess its more to keep my train of thought going unabated. Things at the moment are going well, work is good and the holidays weren't as bad as I thought they would be but man alive is it hard to be on your lonesome during new years, well without a fellow I mean. I don't know it probably the blood talking but I have been pining away for a while for a new flame. I guess there was something about being in a relationship I miss after all.

My friends boyfriend (who she met over the net) Is coming back down in a couple of days here. Fraid I wont get more then the two words I got out of him last time. She got a forever ring from him for Christmas and it turns out that Scott gave janelle a promise ring. Not suprissing really I just thought he wouldn't have the nerve but it does make a certain amount of sense, more ways of controlling her. And I'm really not as bitter as I sound on here. I didn't really need to know that but hey its better I did. So I've decided something. I'm going to die a spinster, LOL I know chances are that I'll meet someone fabulous but I don't know prince charming hasn't really made an appearance. I don't think I like those guys at work as much as I use to, one I completely triggered as a project and I don't know about the other. There's a guy I met on the net though he seems nice enough. But he lives in California, which isn't that far but its not close anyways, not that I meet people outside of cyberspace, but I think I'm getting lonely enough for that to be an option which is slightly sad, there's just no where for me to meet a good guy. Like all my online friends though we'll prolly drift or something which would be sad he seems nice if nothing else.

I don't know, life is very stengnat for me at the moment, I should move, get a job that pays more and meet some friends but everytime I think seriously enough about it I don't feel I deserve it though I can't tel why. I am a nice enough person but I blame myself for using others even if I don't. But I should go I suppose.

alison.

HOW-D

Salutations,
my job is going well and I've been meaning to write its just things have been busy. My job is more or less tiresome at the moment my first day off in like 3 weeks is on thurs... WOOT. I don't mind tho its just I find I'm getting tired really easy. I found out something today, a guy I thought was my age at work is actually two years younger, which means he's as old as my sister. Which isn't a big deal, I don't like him as anything more then a friend, even though he's a good enough person. Too tall for my tastes. I know I'm going to sound horrible when I say that I think about the guys at work, there's one for example, who isn't cute by anymeans but I kinda like him in the non serious way. And then there's always the one guy I mentioned last time, I do think he's younger then me also but I always remind myself there are worse things in the world, like judgment someone based on their age.

enough about age for a moment lets talk about people who drive, I admit I am one of those people, who does own a vehicle, but if you can't drive. Why are you on the road? Like people who see their lane turns... Don't merge into mine expecting I will wait for you in the middle of the intersection. Make the bloody turn and I don't know go in the other way or heaven forbid turn around in a parking lot. And people who don't yield lets talk about them for a minute, there is this difficult maneuver on my way to work, I merge with another lane who has a yield sign. Ok... Didn't come out the way I wanted but they have to wait for me... Do you think they do? Oh and people who go 10 under the speed limit in the fast lane, what's that all about. I get it if you don't wanna go fast but really be courteous to those who do. I don't know why when your driving everything someone else does you feel is a personal slight and heaven forbid I will admit I do get angry when I'm running late for work and I can't get to where I want to in an efficient way.

That and people who come into a book store and get upset you don't carry "their" magazine, you know the one no one else buys. And of course they blame you when neither of you can find it and they just have to talk to the person in charge. That or people who just don't get that I'm trying to do my job and tell me to "leave me alone" which I respect and understand but if your standing in the middle of the isle reading and taking up as much space as possible I feel that I have the right to ask your lazy ass if you wan to sit in a chair thereinby you are not hindering the people around you and henceforth the sales people might leave you alone. But no I guess courtesy and understanding died along time ago. I will admit that I don't always like to be asked if I want help but hey if I don't wanna deal with the people I buy the damn book and get out of the freakin store. I don't mind when people come in an read the books without buying them there are two such guys and a gal who do so they're some of the nicest people I've seen there and no one bugs them because they sit out of the way and look intent on the object infront of them and talk to you when you address them.

and then there are thoe opera people, heaven forbid some book should be talked about on her show, and people believe that they should get it before everyone else. For example a million little pieces by James Frey, I'm sure its a good book, we've been sold out since I started working there which is almost a month ago. People come into the store claiming that we have x copies and that they want one. Granted our computers shouldn't lie to them like that, its mean but don't yell at me if we sold all of them before the computer could be updated, and no you can't put your name on a list before everyone else's, we're sure you think your great but to us your just another person like the last one who asked.

Now I have to be small minded for a minute forgive me, I live in Canada we speak English and French.... Not Chinese not Hindu and certainly not Chinese... I know I said Chinese twice. It is not my job or role in life to learn your language because you chose to move to my country. I understand English is a hard language, but if you decide to move somewhere you think you could learn something more then daughter? And lastly for my job rant, I did not go out of my way to make your experience a bad one, you came into my store and couldn't give me anything more then it was the one listed on that show.

hmmm quite a rant I think, and well needed I should have wrote it out, I usually feel better when my hand hurts.

Again

whats the deal with people? I only ask because to me a friend is someone who would never tell you something that would hurt you unless you needed to know. Ok which brings me to the main topic of today's rant, I have this friend, she's nice and I know all the reasons I like her, but it was her best friend who stol my guy... talk about messy. Anyways anything she hears about the relatioship she pretty much tells me, and I don't hurt like I use to about it. I would rather he died then think about it, or talk to him again but for the most part I don't care any more. Apparently however the two of them are like fucking rabbits, the hump more then I don't know a horny dog. Which I find distressing, I could hardly get him interested in intercourse, everything else he was fine and good, but how is she having more luck then I was?

Its not that she's more attractive, actually she's rather large, physically speaking, and she's not pretty by any means, though she's not absolutely dredful to look at. I don't know its just a combination of them banging uglies at every chance, and her actually telling me this stuff when she knows how I feel about the two of them. *sigh*

With that out of the way I think I've found someone I can crush on, he's not overly cute. I don't thinkI've ever liked someone because they're handsome, well maybe my ex. But I've learned my lesson about that. No this guy is nice and has a great smile. But I don't know how old he is. I don't want to sound shallow but I wont date a guy in high school, that would make him my sisters age and thats just not right. I hope so much he's in college or university, but I have this feeling that he isn't. I don't have a problem talking to guys its just I haven't had the oppertunity to ask him those kind of questions, like his favorite colour and stuff, but I'm one of those people who think that because I find someone attractive they will think I am as well automatically. I should know better with all the years of disapointment, of thinking I should have asked or made a move. But really I don't want to make a fool of myself and the price is too high for something as risky as all that,

I don't know I must be boring you, and I should go. I have to work tomarrow
night

Work

What can I say, I've joined the working world once again, the early mornings, the smile the friendliness. It all kinda makes you want to gag, but generally I like to work, being with people everyday and possibly accomplishing something is rather fufilling, I think. Theres never really been a job that I've absolutely hated, even when I had the super 8 job, which by the way I disliked cause of the people not the rest of it. For the most part I like doing a job no matter what it is, and I like to have fun doing it. If there are people I like to get to know them and just generally relax. Not to say that I slack or anything.

But when you work don't you find that by the time you get home your exhausted no matter what you do? no matter how long you work? like the act of just going to a place where you get paid is more then enough to tucker you out. I will admit that at work I'm rather like a sugar junkie, I play on as much of my emotions and fuel supplies as possible till it seems I'm jittery, and I make bad jokes, but hey what ever gets you through right? I don't even know why I'm writting to tell you the truth. I should in all right be in bed, however te prospect of keeping my blog up to date was more then appealing. With that said I think I do have to hit the hay and get some rest before I head off once more to the confines of employment.

You always learn something new

As with before I have no idea what I'm gonig to write tonight, only tht I'm going to write something. Today I got together with a friend and we went fish shopping, neither of ous bought anything but it was an excuse to get out of the house and spend some quality time with a person I don't see every day. We had some of the strangest conversations, and I hate to say it but I was relieved to find out she wasn't a virgin, I haven't been for a little while now, and the scandal still seems pretty high abuot it, and finding out that I'm not the only one was more then reliving. I don't know, the guys I've met and he's really nice and I think its good for her, at least I think he is anyways.

We talked a little about my ex since its her best friend he's dating now, and apparenlty the news is he's going to give her a promise ring for christmas, I don't see this happening, but who knows I might just be off my rocker, in any case it shouldn't matter to me one way or the other. Sure I want him to feel pain like no living being can withstand, but then again he pissed me off. And continues to do so.

Amoung the oh so fun conversations we had was one about some of the stuff we've seen, I started with the whole birth control card, you know something light that could easily be forgotten, she antied with a show it all teddie and pantie set, I broke out the baby sitter thong, and she countered with finding her mothers. I didn't want to drag out the porn my babysitters brother use to show me (which actually belonged to his brother) or the hentai in their house, I think its a little much don't you? But yeah we talked a little and it was good having someone to talk to but I just couldn't really bring myself to open up about sex to her, I don't know maybe talking about it is a little too taboo for me even still.

But eah I got a call back from the place I applied, I had an interview almost a week ago and I go for an orientation on tues, I can't say I'm not excited, it will be good to be making money again, and hopefully in time I can a) start making decent money there or b) find a job that pays better in time. After all, even if I don't go back to school for a while I can not continue to rely on my parents, and some part of me misses living on my own. At this point I'm not sure I will go back to school, it seems less apealing to me then it did before, after all if an average canadian changes jobs how many times in a life time, is it not just easier to avoid spending half or a decade getting the education you need for one job and then having to go back to train for a new advocation? I don't know it all seems pretty silly to me, but for tonight I'm going to bed.

Good night

More rants from a female mind

Ok, what's with guys really? God help me I love them but why are all men such jerks, thinking myself a scientist I would hate to generalize however I have not found any proof that there is any other state a male comes in. Ok I have written in detail about my breakup with my ex, and about our attempts at friendship and how they failed. A couple weeks ago he contacted me and said he was going to the hospital for day surgery, and alas well and good I tell him I'll visit him. After all I have an obligation because he visited me. But I warn him that if she's there I wont stay, he doesn't reply and I don't care. Oh also I almost forgot to mention that in the e-mail he said "oh so are we talking again" and I replied no. Because lets face it I don't want to talk to him.

Today I got an e-mail from him again saying he thinks we're ready to try the friendship thing again... And much to my dismay I found he still had the power to provoke emotion, more anger then anything else. So calmly I replied that I wasn't ready and I would e-mail him when I was. After all our first attempts didn't fail because of him, I couldn't forgive him and every moment we spent together all I could think about was the horrible things he had done to me.

But why does this man keep bugging me to be friends with him? I have no desire to even pass a friendly word with him let alone a whole coffee. Does what I think affect him so much? Well I don't care what he feels, I want no part in him he has become everything I despise about mankind.

Now it wouldn't be fair to judge the whole sex on one man, I've heard enough horror stories from other girls about how their guys treat them. My mom has to be one o the better cases though, her relatioship embodies everything a woman hates about their relationship to men. First of all you have to realize what my step father is like, he works all day with people, in an industry he's good at but is absolutely miserable being a part of. He comes home and wants to spend time with my mother, which is normal enough but if she doesn't feel like going out to the hot tub he sulks, or if she doesn't have dinner ready he What's for someone else to make it, or if no one clears his plate he wont do it he'll leave it lying on the table.

Up to this point its all understandable, he complains to my mother they never do anything, when as a couple they haven't made any friends to hang around with. He is overly protective of my mother, if she talks to an old guy friend from up north he practically throws a fit, while he'll go behind her back and drive other girls to work, where does he get off? Not only that when my mom wants to do something like a lady's night out or something he sulks and is miserable.

That is the word my mother uses to describer her husband "miserable" and the way she says it. I want her to be happy, but I think she may have picked the wrong man for it. Not that he's all bad, he can be a nice guy but you always feel like you have to be careful around him, its hard to explain why. But that's my post as to why guys suck, well in the relatioship field anyways LOL.

Write me a song; one that makes all the girls cry

Do you ever wonder what influence music has in our life, I don't mean to sound deeper then I am, or stoned for that matter. But really think about it. Cords dependant on their structure and key can make us feel happy, sad, or even scared. But when should the influence of the songs stop, I like to think that as rational creatures we control emotion fairly well, and I will tell you right now that I don't like to show emotion to other people, but the harder I try it seems the easier I am to read. Thats not the point I was trying to make though, generally I consider myself the ice bitch when it comes to any emotion that is not widely accepted, like crying. Only 6 have seen me cry that I can readily think of, and each time I have been ashamed that someone should see that weekness and use it against me.

However that is not what I was trying to get at, once again I stray as is hiding from my true subject, the creative connection we have with lyrics. Not that people who listen to rap generally believe in its message, but songs have made me cry before, some that were the right words at the right moment that makes someone just break down. Speaking of which what is my point in this whole blog, and will it ever make sense? I don't know. This is horrible but I'm gong to post it anyways.

Pet peeves and impatience

Now I will admit that when it comes to pet peeves I have a few, because I have a tendency to be possessive about "my stuff", I love books and I'm one of those people who fastidiously keep the spines unbroken, and the pages unfolded, what can I say I like to keep things the way they were, but after a couple readings books get tattered, and then its more like a good friends then a mint condition prize LOL. Though that may be my biggest peeve, I have to say the one that bugs me the absolute most is when people don't return calls, granted even I have forgotten from time to time, but when a person never calls you back when they say they will (and no there not trying to avoid me) that really kind of pisses me off, pardon the bad language.

How hard is it really to pick up the telephone and dial a number? Not very if I'm the one who did it in the first place. The reason this topic has been brought up is one of my 'friends' she practically is attatched to her cell, I mean in a surgical graphed way. The girl even leaves it on during moves. But my lack of tolerance doesn't end there, she has the most grating voice, and I don't mean to sound like a discrimatory person, she had a handicap, and I don't make fun of her for it. She has one of the most gratting voices known to man, and looks like well a male, if I may be so blunt. But none of those things bother me overly much, we've had discussions with her about other things.

A couple years ago she hurt her ankle in a go carting accident, which should have by all means healed by now, but she didn't work it when it was healing and did none of what her physio therapist suggested, that and she weights quite a bit. So she had taken in the habit of complaining about it and using it as an excuse to be lazy. We took it for a year before we told her that we weren't going to listen to it anymore. It was not my decision, but I supported it all the same. That was a year ago, or more. Well since then she has dropped a little weight and is looking slightly better.

I have never hated her for being what she is physically, its her attitude that is grating, She acts like she's better then everyone and more popular to boot, I have seen her work and she is slow and incompetent with people, and no one fires her because they pity her. Given that and the fact her mother does all the fighting for her and the fact that she is admitted to the hospital for every little cough I cannot blame her for the way she turned out in that aspect. But she is quite possibly the laziest person I have ever known.

In high school she took the minimum requirements to graduate, which is fine, I know more the one person who has done it, but know she has decided what she wants to 'be when she grows up' she is complaining about how hard all the classes will be to take now, and I told her a politely as I could that they were hard then when the rest of us took them.

I guess its really not that which bugs me the most though, its her choice, its a job she couldn't really do. Granted it is more feasible then her becoming a E.M.T (lets face it her hands can't support her even cutting someone open, much less carrying them, and she is not in half the shape she would need to be). Now she wants to be a sound tech, which is fine w/e but I've seen her around a computer, she's almost as bad as my mother was when we got our first machine, one finger typing and all. Not only that but I was in band with her for 4 years or so (she never learned how to play her instrument, even with the band teacher telling her she had no excuse, along with everyone around her. And she complained that the rest of the section hated her, of course when you can't sound good cause someone's not pulling their weight!) she's tone deaf as far as I'm concerned, and with her being a trombone, that is almost a sin against nature because out of anyone who should know they are playing the wrong note it should be them (coming from a modest French horn players opinion). Someone once told me that a trombone could be the most in tune instrument because you can adjust it completely when your playing, not that any other wind player can't LOL.

But I must sound very much the hyprocrit though I think that would be using the wrong word. Making it sound like everyone abandoned me and that I was a good friend, and couldn't understand why I don't have more here. How can I when I think this highly of one of them. Truth be told I almost cut her loose once over a stupid prank we played on her, she got upset I called to apologize and her mother listened in and bitched at me, when I hadn't been the one to initiate it. Bad enough I went along, she was childish I didn't want to apologize but my ex pretty much made me. All I remember was being glad it was over msn because I could almost hear my teeth grating when I typed the words. Out of the two of us (me and my ex) we had known her the same length of time and I never said half the degrading things he said to her. But still she pretty much chose him over me when we broke up. But there's a lot to pick on, like the comment 'wow the sun sure looks on fire' and actually quote which was said in all seriousness.

I don't know if its her stupidity or laziness that bugs me more, but I don't know how much longer I will be able to put up with it, by all rights I should have drifted away from her a long time ago. Silly me.

Getting to know people

Admittedly I will tell you that for the past while I have been fairly lonely, not for male companionship mind you but someone besides my family to which I can talk to. Has anyone else felt this way? Surely someone must have, but again most of you have more friends then you know what to do with as well. I have never really been quick to jump at the opportunity to make a friend, I usually let people seek me out, which usually happens, I'm not threatening, around 5'5 and not fat but not slight either, with the biggest round glasses you have ever seen. They make me look comforting, like hot chocolate I guess.

But I fear being of the amiable nature to which I have been predisposed, and the patience to listen to stories, and the natural inclination to take peoples minds away from what is bugging them if there is nothing to be done about it, I think I make a good friend. But I have not been in any sort of mood, or crowd to gain new people in my life. The ones that I know here in my home town have for the most part gone away for school, or I just never see them anymore (the dire affects of having to graduate). While I was going to school I met people I would consider friends, actually quite a few even if I was never really there besides in class, and even then only half the time.

But since I moved home I've only seen one of them again though I've talked to one of them every now and again to see how he is holding up. It has been a long time since I have sought friendship over the internet (and I know you are gasping) but today I started chatting to one of the people I roleplay with (and not in the cyber sex way, I don't have any of those friends, thank the gods). I was a little unsure and extremely curious about this person because they were exceptional when it came to writing and I felt my own powers slightly inferior (and I do recognize the fact that I have but as the starting word for more then one paragraph). So I ambled on about numerous things, learning the trivial things like her sign and then I couldn't help myself from asking some of the deeper questions and found that she asked a few in return.

We broke from the chat when I went to the gym to do cardio and visit my mother at work, and when I came back she was mad at someone and I listened to her carefully and said all the things I felt where appropriate, though I never really give advice to people when I don't really know them. She was upset but the fact was slightly old and I let her rave and when it came time I talked about other things, where I'm from, and the weather for the most part and it left me wondering. Did I make a new friend, I would like to think so because normally I don't really talk a lot over msn but I found that I damn near babbled on to her, which I made amends to. To anyone whose every met me online they will know me for a very apologetic person though in RL I tend to grudge, well not really but sometimes.

Did I make a difference in this persons life? If I have done one thing I hope I cheered her up a littler and when you think about it wanting to do that for someone you have never seen, it is a strange feeling. And it is hard to understand emotion over the internet but even if my company has helped a little I will feel the better for it. And in my attempts for friendship did I push to much and maybe make a little bit of a fool of myself? I hope so! Well not entirely but you get the idea.

So this has left me in a reflective mood, considering the structures of the human world, once again. And the truth has come to me... I need to get a life outside of the computer... Well maybe anyways. What do you guys think? Ah don't answer that, I think I know my life has changed, and not because of today either, I am terrified that I will never find my "true calling" but there's only one way to start, he surgery got me away from my last job, but a new one would do me good. There are a couple barn help ads in the paper, and as always spruce meadows is hiring though if I were to be a groom there I would have to live there as well, which might turn out to be a good thing for me. Working with animals may not sound like the best way to get in contact with people but its a beginning.

I think it is with a little reluctance that I must admit my stepfather offered me a job, it would be good money, I wuold make over 150.00 a day, but it would require around 3 hours or more of driving a day for work I wouldn't care for, working for a man who offered me a job because he needed it filled and he didn't think I would find a job on my own. It hurts the pride a little but I have to tell myself the truth, I can not rely on my mother forever, and I loved living on my own when I did it, but I became on of the boomerang people, that my sociology teacher talked about, alas but I cannot change it now, but I can get ready to go out on my own once more.

When is goodbye really goodbye?

I don't know how many of you know this or care; but at the beginning this was to be a blog apart from my journal to which my boyfriend could read. But alas he hasn't been mine for going on 4 months now. Tonight I officially told him that I never wanted to talk to him again. It was a lot easier then you think. In the beginning he talked about how he still wanted to be friends and how much I still meant to him, which was aherant from the fact that he's still dating the girl he left me for. But that's not why I'm writing this really, I'm not going to brood over him and our relationship, as much as reflect upon when I should have left him and when he should have taken the hint to leave me alone.

In the beginning our relationship was very much the touchy feely way most peoples are at the start, coming from a world where P.D.A (public displays of affection) were thought of as gross and horridly ineffective, it is strange how well I took to it. We started dating probably because a) it was summer and b) no one else was here which alone makes me wonder why we dated for so long. Not added to that is the fact that I was moving away for school. Actually the night of my birthday I had tried dumping him but he clung to me and started crying, so as the mere thought of doing it made me abashed.

Even then I clung to the hopes that it was just a summer fling, wishing for all that I was worth he would find someone else to lavish his attention on and I would be free. I even went as far as to suggest we date other people or be just merely friends with benefits. But he was quite adamant that it wouldn't work so I spent the first year of my university education at home waiting diligently for him to come online, while I drive a 5 hour round trip every weekend to be with him. He didn't quite share my dlilgence however and I spent most of my life waiting for him when he wasn't coming. Go figure. Another reason I should have let him go, but you may not be aware that I am stubborn and only missed one weekend away from him.

Everyday we talked and I enjoyed the pampering really and fell for him more. He was always a very flirtatious guy and I always knew it but him spending so much time with girls, when I felt guilty hanging around with anyone for fear I had missed him, or that he might feel I would rather be with other people then him always sent me running home, to turn on the computer, and wait for hours till he made his appearance though I don't understand what made me feel obliged to do so. When I found myself less concerned with school then him that should have been another sign. I will not blame him for my schoolwork but it is hard to accomplish anything when I spent my weekends in the car or with him. I flunked out of my first year, not something uncommon but something which angered me all the same.

When summer came I moved back to be with him more and true to my word I spent every available moment with him. I got a job, with long hours pretty much 7 days a week but it paid good money, with lots of overtime. I could have afforded an apartment rent for a whole year off of what I was making. But he complained about never seeing me and I quit reluctantly because he couldn't bear to see me so tired. While he was contemplating moving away to a job more stressful then mine. That should have been another sign.

During my Christmas vacation while I was in school he had some family friends come over from englad, the oldest one Harriet was relentless in her pursuit of him. So much so that I had to leave because the mere sight sickened me. He did not stop her pursuits even when I was there and that torn up feeling should have been enough to tell me he wasn't worth it. But she went away, and he told me that they had been an item before she moved away though he never really labeled it as dating "we use to sit in my basement and make out that was it" that should have been another sign, especially once he started telling me about all the girls he had been with and pointing out places they had "done stuff" he assured me that I was the first for a lot of stuff but I came to him smelling of summer, if you know what I mean, I had never even kissed a guy. That should have been another sign.

I think myself an idiot girl looking back pledging myself to him, while he did the same though obviously it meant nothing to him, I told him that I was his and he said he was mine, but that's when the other girl came in. This girl was the best friend to one of my closer friends and the fact that she liked him never escaped me though he played ignorance. However by that time I had dated him for about 10 months and he didn't seem to pose much of a threat but she started hitting on him more and more while I was around and he would put her in situations where she only knew him ad would cling to him for dear life. Should have been more then a good enough sign. He told me he'd stop it, he never did the like till the day before he dumped me.

The last weeks of our relationship were unhappy, he treated me like I didn't exist, kept pulling away saying that people were uncomfortable, but he would happily hug the other girl. And then it was over. I am happier about that then many would know, well now looking back.

Two weeks after he dumped me he started dating the other girl, and had asked me to still be friends with him and that lent me to the privilege of knowing how much he hung out with her. The day he told me they were dating I screamed at him through my tears (yes the ice bitch can cry) and I hung up on him because more then anything I needed to nurse my wounds and rage against him in privacy, but he kept calling back and I hung up on him two more times till he was swearing at me and yelling. I should have known better. Why are they allowed to treat us thus?

I tried the friend thing but everything I was with him he'd tell me he still cared about me, and would brag about what we did together, intimately. Stuff no one should have been privy to but the jerk kept mentioning things and that would anger me because I was not his anymore and those were not his stories to tell. I grew bitter and soon couldn't handle the sound of his voice when he called me but I would do what he asked like a good girl. Go and hang out with him and stuff but I would start getting angry at him before I knew it and it just wasn't pleasant.

He called me one night and his first words were "this has to fucking stop" he was yelling, my family was trying to sleep but I couldn't help getting mad and soon I was being a little louder then I should have been. He asked if my whole family was in the room with me and I told him they weren't though I don't' doubt they heard my whole side of the conversation. It was later then I should have talked on the phone by the time I told him I was going to bed and hung up on him, but it was more that I was tired of him yelling at me and swearing. No one deserves that. He started messaging me after asking if 'I was ever going to talk to him again and making out like he had done nothing wrong. It went on for two weeks and this was the first I responded to him and told him I would never like to talk to him again. Taking offense he said he still had feelings for me and made me out to be the bad guy because he still wanted to be friends. He had said that before and I had always said yeah we'll be friends because I wanted to avoid being the one who broke off our friendship, but it was really over when he dumped me for her.

I'm sure you all would like to know they're still dating, onto their 4th month I believe. She is as I was, ready to drop her life for him and I hope she gets out alive as I did. Because no man who can achieve such loyalty and who is that close to the female kind no matter if he is taken is worth anyone's troubles. At least he is no longer mine to worry about, and I will never shed another tear for him, though I will attend his funeral and probably his wedding if I can to do my duty because if nothing else I am diligent on that account.