Sunday, October 14, 2007

why me?

So whats new with me? the random thought doesn't inspire much discussion unfortunately insofar as I can figure my life never really seems to change much but at the same time I find that I forget to mention things in my journal and blog because at the time I think they're pretty normal or not really worth writing about. But what movement in my life has warranted writing in my blog? because if I'm going to be frank with myself I only really write when I'm sufficiently bored or when I'm emotional. So what is it today? I know the answer as with being the grace of composing such an entry it would be odd if I wasn't completely god like in my knowledge. I'm sad of all things, I've been struggling with a couple common thoughts that seems to spring every once in a while, what I've done to those around me, self pity, and of course the empty feeling of being single without the initiative to change it. And though I might at time sound like a completely emo 13 year old I can assure you this and my actual written journal are the only places I limit myself exploring those feelings.

So where do I start in explaining myself? I guess I could start with the thing that's bothering me the most. There is a guy I work with who decided to have an infatuation with me (I know you find that hard to believe) the first time he asked me for my number I kinda got the deer in the headlights look until I recovered my Witt's, which thankfully wasn't that long. After all being a young female of this generation if I don't have wit as my first line of defense then I've got nothing. So to start I gave him my e-mail because he insisted on wanting to get to know me better and I would be damned if he meant sleeping with me because he's not like that and anyone who knows me can figure that I don't do that without sufficient reason. But anyways I figured e-mail was easy relatively harmless and it would postpone me having to turn him down and after all it wasn't as personal as a number.

Here I was with a couple e-mail following shortly after I tried being myself friendly and slightly distant and I think this was really my downfall, Why I gave him my e-mail in the first place is beyond me after all I have rules against this sort of thing. But I don't think I felt I could really say know. And then he invited me for coffee/brunch... brunch which I thought was safe because it is still informal enough not to be called a date and at a time of day where you can go your own separate ways without too much hassle and awkwardness... that is until I found out how nice the place he took me to was. I don't really want to relive the time we spent together, I was fighting to uphold conversation and the pretence that I was not on a date. And as successful as I thought I was I guess I didn't carry it off very well considering that I paid for myself even though he didn't want me too. And at the goodbye I shouldn't have let him walk me to the car I shouldn't have but he didn't touch me (as per my keeping away from him) and at the insistence of another outing I was vague and I had rather hoped clear on my reluctance.

You think that after I tell someone that I'm 10 years younger then them their interests would wane slightly especially if I keep myself at new friend distance. I managed to keep e-mails sparse and short, but somehow I got backed into a place where It was difficult to say no and before you know it we were out again. To a play thing anyways it was a comedy he didn't laugh once it was tense and I was in a bad mood and damned if I was going to carry the conversation by myself. so things were so bad I almost left but my pride and training bade me to wait it out and then give him an even brisker farewell then before. Did I feel bad? not until I got the e-mail where he was apologising, and what did I do in my ignorance reassured him it wasn't that bad and then said something about being friends.

Very frustrating indeed. So about 6 or 7 or 8 months go by and I don't talk to him, I wave when I see him at work as per the we'll be friends thought. And then one day out of the blue he says something about us going out. Well lets face it by now I have a boyfriend who I happen to like a lot and I tell him so. I don't think he really believed me when I told him, Maybe he thought it was just a line to tell him no. But however it happens my answer is another clear we're just friends. So another month goes by things with the new boyfriend are falling apart a little but I'm still holding onto the relationship and my birthday comes up. And I do quite possibly the most naive thing in the world. He bought me flowers and books for my birthday, and brought them to me before work one day. I was angry and running late (go figure) but what do you do? I looked at him and sighed towards the building it wouldn't be the first time I've ever been late. So I told him he shouldn't have given me anything and tried to make the stern face/eye contact. He seemed embarrassed and I felt guilty so when he asked if I would take them I said OK because out of the two evils I felt this the lesser one.

And so it came to pass he started writing me e-mails and sending me love songs and I got furious, though I didn't try to show it to him instead of using rough words I tried uncomfortable and other such round ended sentences finishing of course with the I said I just want to be friends. Now of course he goes quiet and doesn't talk to me... so I waited out some of the sulking and then when it seemed to be abating slightly I started trying to say hi to him at work again in a friendly way, after all I treat him like everyone else at work. and then I get this e-mail saying how much I hurt him and now he's doing mellow dramatic things and says he doesn't want to talk to me and such when all I've ever tried to do was spare his feelings. I've tried being understanding about this but now I feel horrid and I don't know what to think or say. Should I have lowered myself into being his girlfriend when I knew better or should I have laughed at him when he asked me for my number? the amount of times I let him down gently as I could you think he might have gotten the signal... or maybe the first time friend entered the conversation so where really did I fuck it all up?at least I never touched him let alone kissed him because who knows where I would be. Not that I ever felt the slightest impulse to do so. Perhaps there's the fault.