why me?

So whats new with me? the random thought doesn't inspire much discussion unfortunately insofar as I can figure my life never really seems to change much but at the same time I find that I forget to mention things in my journal and blog because at the time I think they're pretty normal or not really worth writing about. But what movement in my life has warranted writing in my blog? because if I'm going to be frank with myself I only really write when I'm sufficiently bored or when I'm emotional. So what is it today? I know the answer as with being the grace of composing such an entry it would be odd if I wasn't completely god like in my knowledge. I'm sad of all things, I've been struggling with a couple common thoughts that seems to spring every once in a while, what I've done to those around me, self pity, and of course the empty feeling of being single without the initiative to change it. And though I might at time sound like a completely emo 13 year old I can assure you this and my actual written journal are the only places I limit myself exploring those feelings.

So where do I start in explaining myself? I guess I could start with the thing that's bothering me the most. There is a guy I work with who decided to have an infatuation with me (I know you find that hard to believe) the first time he asked me for my number I kinda got the deer in the headlights look until I recovered my Witt's, which thankfully wasn't that long. After all being a young female of this generation if I don't have wit as my first line of defense then I've got nothing. So to start I gave him my e-mail because he insisted on wanting to get to know me better and I would be damned if he meant sleeping with me because he's not like that and anyone who knows me can figure that I don't do that without sufficient reason. But anyways I figured e-mail was easy relatively harmless and it would postpone me having to turn him down and after all it wasn't as personal as a number.

Here I was with a couple e-mail following shortly after I tried being myself friendly and slightly distant and I think this was really my downfall, Why I gave him my e-mail in the first place is beyond me after all I have rules against this sort of thing. But I don't think I felt I could really say know. And then he invited me for coffee/brunch... brunch which I thought was safe because it is still informal enough not to be called a date and at a time of day where you can go your own separate ways without too much hassle and awkwardness... that is until I found out how nice the place he took me to was. I don't really want to relive the time we spent together, I was fighting to uphold conversation and the pretence that I was not on a date. And as successful as I thought I was I guess I didn't carry it off very well considering that I paid for myself even though he didn't want me too. And at the goodbye I shouldn't have let him walk me to the car I shouldn't have but he didn't touch me (as per my keeping away from him) and at the insistence of another outing I was vague and I had rather hoped clear on my reluctance.

You think that after I tell someone that I'm 10 years younger then them their interests would wane slightly especially if I keep myself at new friend distance. I managed to keep e-mails sparse and short, but somehow I got backed into a place where It was difficult to say no and before you know it we were out again. To a play thing anyways it was a comedy he didn't laugh once it was tense and I was in a bad mood and damned if I was going to carry the conversation by myself. so things were so bad I almost left but my pride and training bade me to wait it out and then give him an even brisker farewell then before. Did I feel bad? not until I got the e-mail where he was apologising, and what did I do in my ignorance reassured him it wasn't that bad and then said something about being friends.

Very frustrating indeed. So about 6 or 7 or 8 months go by and I don't talk to him, I wave when I see him at work as per the we'll be friends thought. And then one day out of the blue he says something about us going out. Well lets face it by now I have a boyfriend who I happen to like a lot and I tell him so. I don't think he really believed me when I told him, Maybe he thought it was just a line to tell him no. But however it happens my answer is another clear we're just friends. So another month goes by things with the new boyfriend are falling apart a little but I'm still holding onto the relationship and my birthday comes up. And I do quite possibly the most naive thing in the world. He bought me flowers and books for my birthday, and brought them to me before work one day. I was angry and running late (go figure) but what do you do? I looked at him and sighed towards the building it wouldn't be the first time I've ever been late. So I told him he shouldn't have given me anything and tried to make the stern face/eye contact. He seemed embarrassed and I felt guilty so when he asked if I would take them I said OK because out of the two evils I felt this the lesser one.

And so it came to pass he started writing me e-mails and sending me love songs and I got furious, though I didn't try to show it to him instead of using rough words I tried uncomfortable and other such round ended sentences finishing of course with the I said I just want to be friends. Now of course he goes quiet and doesn't talk to me... so I waited out some of the sulking and then when it seemed to be abating slightly I started trying to say hi to him at work again in a friendly way, after all I treat him like everyone else at work. and then I get this e-mail saying how much I hurt him and now he's doing mellow dramatic things and says he doesn't want to talk to me and such when all I've ever tried to do was spare his feelings. I've tried being understanding about this but now I feel horrid and I don't know what to think or say. Should I have lowered myself into being his girlfriend when I knew better or should I have laughed at him when he asked me for my number? the amount of times I let him down gently as I could you think he might have gotten the signal... or maybe the first time friend entered the conversation so where really did I fuck it all up?at least I never touched him let alone kissed him because who knows where I would be. Not that I ever felt the slightest impulse to do so. Perhaps there's the fault.

1408

OK, so yes needless to say this post may contain spoilers for those of you who haven';t seen the movie yet but It's bugging me and I have to get it off my chest :P

I went to this movie with Debbie, a friend from work and I couldn't help pointing all this stuff out. Bad me! lol well lets start from somewhere near the beginning. So we're introduced to the main character, a cynical author who writes about ghosts and haunted mansions, a great idea love it. But yeah so we're in a diner after he checks out of his latest and greatest stay and what song should naturally come over the radio but "I just need someplace to lay my head..." and so on a such forth, and the giggling begins! shortly after that the audience is shown a post card and the main character being the genius that he is points out that 1+4+8=13... but what they didn't tell you was that the address of the hotel itself adds to the same number, which is significant for any of you who have read the gunslinger series. Also There is something written I can't remember where but it said "the wolves killed me on the turnpike" paraphrasing because it was only on the screen for a couple of seconds towards the beginning of the movie, another throwback to the dark tower series, the giggling continues. Mind you I've only seen the movie once and this is the tip of the iceberg as far as I'm concerned of some of the things I noticed. My head is spinning trying to look for more at the moment. I was almost expecting him to stop and look at a rose before entering the building. After all he is in new york, y not. I have a sneaking suspicion that the address of the hotel probably syncs up with something in the series as well, but I'm not entirely sure. Does anyone remember the hotel room Susannah stayed in before she gave birth? goodness, the joy of it all! I'm going to have to reread the series, and actually read 1408 before I buy the movie. After all I should brush up on some more stephen king I suppose. I loved the movie it was creepy as hell without being all hack and slash. I mean seriously a horror movie that about more then killing the main character? impossible, it is a wonderful throwback to the days when movies had much more of an evil undercurrent and filled you with adrenalin as apposed to people just wanting to scream about the stupid blonde running up the stairs (where there's no escape) in high heels. from the foreshadowing ("burm me alive" being carved into the brick) to the less subtle things like the first dead mans name... hint hint though actually not a book I've read. it really just has so much little stuff for you to catch I doubt I'll ever get bored watching it. Even if I expect the hatchet swinging lunatic to keep popping back up.

A long time

So it's been a long time since I've posted huh? well here's whats up. My mom's still having a little problem with bleeding but its definetly not as bad as it was, I moved out and am now happily living outside of calgary. Even if I am now trailer trash. But you know what I don't mind at all. Its bigger then an apartment, cheaper and I have a huge ass lawn! thats right its awsome. I can't wait till its warm enough to put in a garden. I'm thinking of asking grandma up to help me with that. There's going to be bleeeding hearts, columbine and heck everything I ever wanted lol. I have a job that pays relatiely well, I'm not getting ahead too fast but I'm keeeping up with bills and the like so its not too shabby. Granted its in a warehouse, but even that I don't mind. The guys I work with are great and I have as much fun as I can. Even though I have to admit I miss chapters every now and again.

I got a puppy, did I tell you? well, chester is a now almost 9 month pup. He's a little sheltie with all the spunk you could want. He wakes me up in the morning keeps me company and in general makes me want to laugh all the time. Even if he is still destroying everything I own. For the past 5 or so months I've been browsing websites, and I went to the pet expo. But I am having a hard time finding the right other dog to fill out my place. Not that there aren't many dogs out there, its just finding the right one. I don't think I want a puppy, someone housetrained would be nice. I don't mind older dogs, but I don't want someone who I will only have for a year or two. There's this gorgeous collie at the cochrane humane but I haven't been in to see her yet. She's 8 so that would be another 7 years or so, which would be fine. I still have to meet her first though. Calgary humane doesn't seem to have any I would like but I have to go there before I can officially say that right? There's a greyhound rescue in calgary and I would be totally ok with getting a dog from there, but I want someone to go offleashing with us a go hiking and swimming and all that other fun stuf I wanna do this summer. Not that I'm deluding myself. I know that come weekend I don't always want to do stuff, and in truth I want someone who is just ok lounging about the house or playing with chester. Size doesn't really factor into it all all big or small I like them all. lol