living in the now and feeling the past

there is a book out there called living in the now, I have never read this book but I have had the principals explained to me several times by more then one person. Essentially this book tells you not to dwell in the past or live for the future but focus on being content in the moment. generally speaking I am a fan of this concept but there is one fatal flaw that is readily apparent to me. Our past defines who we are and the decisions we make and though spending our entire lives obsessed with the past is not a good thing if we forget where we came from and the defining moments in our lives we loose touch with the person we are and the people and journey we had along the way to becoming the person we are today. At least that's the way I see it and if we don't take time to revel in our memories we will forget them in much the same way we loose concentration with anything we can't see. It is very hard not to think about the past especially the silly things that you did or the stupid comments that you make that make you seem like more of an ass then you know you are.

if I could I might even live in the past in a place where my dad is still alive and hot cocoa is really the only thing you need on a cold day to feel better and your case of the Mondays is limited to there not being any good cartoons on. If I could go back even less time then that to when I was still in high school even if I couldn't do anything differently I think I would take the opportunity. But if we start time travailing to the times that made us happy are we missing out on the ones that make us happy? I suppose that of you think about all your fond memories you might miss out on the ones you are currently making. After all it is hard to appreciate things when they are happening because they truly don't seem special until you use that infamous retrospection. Is this right now a time that in ten years I will think back on and believe was truly better then it actually is? Does the passage of time put a golden veneer on our past lives? If so then how are we to truly appreciate what is happening when we know that our present outlook will never be as good as we remember it? Perhaps that is one of the things that is suppose to motivate us to keep going that things could always get worse or better with the passage of time. Or perhaps it is the only thing that truly makes us happy because we always remember more about the good things then the bad. It might be the only thing keeping people from steering into traffic or jumping out the window. After all if life is truly going to remain this lackluster we might as well end it shouldn't we?

I don't necessarily believe that suicide is a truly viable option not if I have my boys to make me feel needed. Sometimes I wonder if they are the only thing besides my pride that keep me from doing the things I see in my mind when I see a semi approaching or the sharp gleam of a knife. Because without them there really isn't a reason for me to be here. My life barely touches upon those of the people around me and while people might be sad for the first while I don't believe people would truly remember me for who I am after all I don't exotically let people get that close but perhaps that is one of my many flaws. Hopefully it makes me endearing to someone out there because no matter how much I deny it I truly care what people out there think even if I try not to let them see it. but I should sleep

ciao

old and new

So it has been ages since I have even thought of blogging and being 2 years I am not sure how to sufficiently update my blog without talking about things I don't particularly want to. I have kept up my journal however this being an electronic age I suppose I should start at least making random attempts at haring my life and less personal details onto the world wide Internet. I have made ridiculous bad mistakes one of which includes dating not only someone from work but someone in a supervisor position. Being that we are both adult the termination of this relationship did not really effect my work life even though the lines did cross and it became popular speculation from what I understand. He was in some ways a nice guy but in others he is kind of a douche and yes I spelled that right the first time. After all it does seem that all men are either douches or assholes so where can a girl get a nice uncomplicated dick? seems to me the only ones worth pursuing in my current state of mind are the kinds made of synthetic rubbers. I do however wish that my body would agree with me after all every time I see something even remotely male something kicks into high gear and I try hard to fight it but the thoughts push into my head. I think sometimes it would be easier if I could love women the way I love men. I don't think there is nothing wrong with that kind of relationship and women are a lot more good looking then men though more often then not I find they just can't compare to the male female attraction and I might not really be the one to say for sure being that I have never truly been more then friends with girls but there is that moderate interest. Perhaps one day I shall try it I mean after all what do I have to loose? Truthfully I will be skipping that whole endeavor for at least a little while yet as my cards have told me to wait and I am more then inclined to listen to them for a little while at least.

I now have a chocolate lab and a sheltie I think I had already posted about Chester but my new boy is Mackeroy and he's a giant suck and mommas boy though I need to put some serious work into him to keep him from being a little too aggressive with the puling and growling. After a while he warms up to people just like Chester does. If I could go back in time and change any series of events in my own life what would I change? quite honestly there are my immediate reactions but if I really thought about it would I change anything I mean my life though not amazingly great is pretty good for the most part I have no real complaints. I have my own place which not fabulous is mine and only mine, I have two good boys who keep me busy and really make life worth living. I have a Job that is not wonderful but pays my bills and mortgage. There is not really much that is lacking in my life and I might slip into the rut quite easily and comfortably but as long as I still get to do some of the things I like to do I'm set. I mean really if you can do the things you enjoy doing its hard not to live a happy life.

Granted there are times that I do despair but they come and go with the seasons and the hormones. after all what kind of female would I be if I couldn't blame the hormones at least some of the time? Did you know I still type like an old woman? I use three of my fingers on my right hand when I type but only one on my left? what is up with that shit? its kind of weird isn't it? I don't know my left hand kind of freezes up and I just can't move it like my left it is kind of frustrating. I would be much more efficient if all my fingers worked in tandem. but I'm going to bed

ciao