living in the now and feeling the past

there is a book out there called living in the now, I have never read this book but I have had the principals explained to me several times by more then one person. Essentially this book tells you not to dwell in the past or live for the future but focus on being content in the moment. generally speaking I am a fan of this concept but there is one fatal flaw that is readily apparent to me. Our past defines who we are and the decisions we make and though spending our entire lives obsessed with the past is not a good thing if we forget where we came from and the defining moments in our lives we loose touch with the person we are and the people and journey we had along the way to becoming the person we are today. At least that's the way I see it and if we don't take time to revel in our memories we will forget them in much the same way we loose concentration with anything we can't see. It is very hard not to think about the past especially the silly things that you did or the stupid comments that you make that make you seem like more of an ass then you know you are.

if I could I might even live in the past in a place where my dad is still alive and hot cocoa is really the only thing you need on a cold day to feel better and your case of the Mondays is limited to there not being any good cartoons on. If I could go back even less time then that to when I was still in high school even if I couldn't do anything differently I think I would take the opportunity. But if we start time travailing to the times that made us happy are we missing out on the ones that make us happy? I suppose that of you think about all your fond memories you might miss out on the ones you are currently making. After all it is hard to appreciate things when they are happening because they truly don't seem special until you use that infamous retrospection. Is this right now a time that in ten years I will think back on and believe was truly better then it actually is? Does the passage of time put a golden veneer on our past lives? If so then how are we to truly appreciate what is happening when we know that our present outlook will never be as good as we remember it? Perhaps that is one of the things that is suppose to motivate us to keep going that things could always get worse or better with the passage of time. Or perhaps it is the only thing that truly makes us happy because we always remember more about the good things then the bad. It might be the only thing keeping people from steering into traffic or jumping out the window. After all if life is truly going to remain this lackluster we might as well end it shouldn't we?

I don't necessarily believe that suicide is a truly viable option not if I have my boys to make me feel needed. Sometimes I wonder if they are the only thing besides my pride that keep me from doing the things I see in my mind when I see a semi approaching or the sharp gleam of a knife. Because without them there really isn't a reason for me to be here. My life barely touches upon those of the people around me and while people might be sad for the first while I don't believe people would truly remember me for who I am after all I don't exotically let people get that close but perhaps that is one of my many flaws. Hopefully it makes me endearing to someone out there because no matter how much I deny it I truly care what people out there think even if I try not to let them see it. but I should sleep

ciao